tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-69764398031357726792023-11-15T11:03:52.892-08:00"down there"Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger67125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6976439803135772679.post-27020325749873159232011-10-06T03:13:00.000-07:002011-10-06T03:13:47.198-07:00I took the Summer Off...…and then a bit more after that. Who knows if anyone is still even reading my blog. I don’t blame you if you’ve abandoned it, since I sort of did - at least temporarily. It’s not that I had nothing to say – there’s been plenty to talk about and my problems are far from over –I guess I just wanted to take a break. I’m a teacher so I was taking the summer off from work and from blogging I guess.<br />
<br />
I won’t attempt to try and remember everything that I have missed writing about these past 4 months. Mainly, I still have pain with sex and I still have no desire for sex. Those are the two big problems that we are still working on. We can sort of have sex, but it never goes all the way because if it’s not hurting at first, it starts hurting after a few minutes of friction. We’re trying all different kinds of lube. So far the best combination is coconut oil mixed with Slippery Stuff. The coconut oil lasts longer and the Slippery Stuff is thicker so they both serve a purpose. I have some other kinds coming in the mail that are supposed to be good too. We have tried Good Clean Love once,but I felt a lot of burning. I don’tknow if it was the lube or something else since we only tried it once, so I’ll keep you posted on that.<br />
<br />
We decided to tryout a new doctor to see if we can get some other ideas on how to fix my problems. Dr. Goldstein definitely helped and I would recommend him, but lately he’s seemed a bit flummoxed on what to do next – he said that usually people are cured by now and I’m not. Last week we went down to Chapel Hill to the UNC Vulvar Pain Clinic. I saw the Physician’s Assistant of Dr. Zolnoun, Elisabeth Johnson. She was really nice, had a good sense of humor, and made me feel as comfortable as one can feel in that situation.<br />
<br />
Elisabeth had a very different take on what my problem is: She asked a lot of questions about clenching of teeth, headaches, constipation, anxiety, tiredness, etc. during the exam. Then she did a very thorough Q-tip exam. She feels strongly that it is a nerve issue, not a skin or muscle issue at this point. She said they see a lot of the above symptoms in patients similar to me and they treat this as a nervous system issue. Essentially that my nervous system is a bit out of whack and not regulated as well as other people's (I understood it as a heightened sense of tension that displays itself both psychologically and physiologically in a variety of ways). She said it helps explain why I can feel pain in different ways and places from day today and she even said my exam was "inconsistent.” So basically they're trying to put that in order first. They put me on low doses of Propronolol (a blood pressure medicine) and Cymbalta (a depressions medicine), however neither of them are meant to treat blood pressure or depression issues - they are meant to treat the nervous system somehow. They have apparently had success using drugs to help regulate the overall nervous system and then isolating any issues down there (even stating that sometimes they think the issue is one place and once the nervous system is under control they find the true problem is different than they initially thought). So we go back to UNC in 8 weeks hopefully with a more regulated nervous system (which could also help with some of the other seemingly unrelated issues I have, like constipation, clenching my teeth, constant fatigue, etc.). She mentioned the possibility of a nerve block at some point, but said she wouldn't know until the systemic issue was corrected. She was hesitant to call this Pudendal Neuralgia because she doesn’t feel comfortable diagnosing me yet and because she has read all the horror stories online and she doesn’t want me looking it up and getting freaked out. So I won’t. I’ve read many blogs of women who have Pudendal Neuralgia and it sounds terrible. But I’ll just wait and see what happens.<br />
<br />
So far the only thing the drugs are doing is giving me stomach problems. The doctor said that the blood pressure one can cause nausea at first, but I’ve had little nausea, a little constipation, and a LOT of gas. I hope it goes away soon. I can’t be farting these deadly-smelling farts while I’m teaching a room full of 7th graders! But I’ve been on the drugs less than a week so we’ll see what happens.<br />
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This is long, so I’ll stop. If you’re still reading my blog, thanks! I’ll try to do a better job of keeping you updated.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6976439803135772679.post-5091834330334251822011-06-24T08:53:00.000-07:002011-06-24T08:53:17.054-07:00Recipe for a Perfect Start to SummerI wrote a very encouraging post on Monday about our progress and how well it's going. Monday night my vagina started burning. I went to bed hoping that it was just a burning vagina that would go away over night, but no. I hardly slept it burned so bad and in the morning I had to face the reality that I most likely had a bladder infection. I went to the emergency room and I did indeed have a bladder infection. With the last two bladder infections I've had (<a href="http://downtherevaginalpain.blogspot.com/2010/02/bloody-bladder.html">the previous one a year and half ago and the most pain I've ever felt in my life</a>), I haven't had the typical symptom of abdominal pain. My pain is mostly intense vaginal burning. Now it's probably really my bladder that is burning but to me it feels like my vagina is burning. So I felt that way again, although this time my pain was around a 9 instead of the 10 that it was last time.<br />
<br />
I actually had to miss the last day of school for the students because I was in so much pain I just couldn't imagine going to work.<br />
<br />
So I took the antibiotic that the doctor prescribed and then guess what happened? I bet you've already guessed. Yes, I felt a yeast infection coming on. My vagina started to itch yesterday and I knew. Usually when prescribed an antibiotic I will ask for Diflucan, but I just wasn't thinking. So I went to the gynecologist today and I do have a mild yeast infection. Oh, and I also have a little blood in my urine, which they didn't mention at the hospital.<br />
<br />
So to sum up, my first week of summer break has been met with a burning and itching vagina and orange pee that burns when it comes out. I hope to be past all this soon so we can get back to our activities without losing too much progress.<br />
<br />
BLAH!!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6976439803135772679.post-30039979650824257502011-06-20T09:29:00.000-07:002011-06-20T09:29:41.822-07:00Penis ColadaMy husband and I have been making good progress with penetration. We try to do it at least 4 times per week, but often more. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it burns, and sometimes it's no problem. Now, I haven't felt anything that's actually pleasurable; it still just feels like there's a foreign object inside my vagina, but I have hope that the pleasure will come eventually.<br />
<br />
Here is our updated routine:<br />
Step One: take Valium 30 minutes or more before penetration (to relax both mind and muscles).<br />
Step Two: heat pelvic area for at least 15 minutes before (using hot bath or heating pad).<br />
Step Three: apply lidocaine to sensitive spots inside vagina.<br />
Step Four: Husband wears glove, covers finger in coconut oil and does some pelvic clock stretching with his finger. He holds down on muscles that are sensitive and we try to loosen up the muscles.<br />
Step Five: I put in my biggest dildo for a few minutes just to prepare my vagina for the penis (also covered in coconut oil).<br />
Step Six: Penis in vagina! More oil of course. We have found two positions that usually work, although it's never consistent on which one feels better or worse than the other. Right now we're sticking to me on top either facing him or facing away from him. Facing him there is more of a chance of my sensitive G-spot area to be unpleasantly rubbed, but there's less of a chance that it will make my PC muscles feel too stretchy. The opposite is true for me on top facing away from him. In this position there is no irritation on the G-spot area, but if I'm having a tight muscle day it can be painful. So we usually do both and pick the best one. We stay this way for about 10 minutes either staying still while I do kegels or we do slow in-and-out that I control.<br />
<br />
As you can see, it's still all very technical, but I guess it has to be that way for now. I'm still trying to retrain my body and my mind to believe that sex won't hurt, and hopefully that sex is actually pleasurable.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xCqv59atgqo/Tf90sB-Qf4I/AAAAAAAAHHE/ELq9uE4GSW8/s1600/pina_colada.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xCqv59atgqo/Tf90sB-Qf4I/AAAAAAAAHHE/ELq9uE4GSW8/s1600/pina_colada.jpg" /></a></div>We've been using Coconut Oil ever since my PT recommended it and I really like it. Unlike water-based lubricants, it sticks around and you really don't have to keep reapplying. It makes everything nice and slippery. And every time we use it I feel like I'm at the beach because of the coconut smell! The problem with the coconut oil is that it's an oil. And oil does not wash out of the sheets. We tried using two towels on top of the sheets, but it seeped through so I ended up buying a waterproof crib pad at Target that is made for babies that wet the bed. It has little sheep on it and it's only the size of a crib, but it really works quite well. Even though it's waterproof, it's soft and it doesn't feel or sound plasticy. Now we use the crib pad with a towel on top and our sheets are safe. When I think about it it makes me chuckle, but hey, whatever works. It's worth it to be able to keep using the coconut oil without ruining our sheets.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6976439803135772679.post-52878400540748405932011-05-26T08:17:00.000-07:002011-05-26T08:17:40.783-07:00The Penis ProcessMy husband and I have inserted the penis three times so far and I thought it might be helpful to some if I detailed the process that we go through to make sure it's as successful as possible. We've had a slightly different process each time, but I'll lay out the one I feel has been the most effective.<br />
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At least an hour before we start I take Valium - this is to calm my mind and help me with the major anticipatory anxiety that I feel about the penis.<br />
<br />
I prepare the Penis Insertion Station (I've never really called it that) by laying several towels down on the bed, as well as some hand towels, lubrication, and a large dilator/dildo. The reason for all the towels is that we are using Coconut Oil as our lubricant, by recommendation of my PT, and man is it messy! Oil does not come out in the wash and we don't want to stain our sheets. <br />
<br />
A note about the Coconut Oil: I was telling my PT that when I tried keeping the dilator in for long periods of time, it felt like my body was absorbing all the lubricant and then when I pulled the dilator out my vagina was dry and it felt like the dilator was taking some of my skin with it (painful!). So she suggested that using an oil-based lubricant would be better because water-based lubricants will be absorbed by your body at a much faster rate. She suggests Coconut Oil specifically because she says it's all natural and inherently antibacterial. It also smells good, but you can get an unscented kind if you don't like the smell. She also said that using Olive Oil is great too (Coconut Oil is a bit expensive).<br />
<br />
Back to the process: I take a warm bath for about 30 minutes and just lay there and read my book and really try to relax all my muscles.<br />
<br />
When I get out of the bath it's time for stretching and penis entry. So first I lay down on the towels that are on the bed and my husband uses his finger (lubricated) to go around the pelvic clock and try to work out any tension that I feel in any of my muscles. My PT taught him how to move my legs in different ways so that the muscle is in the best position for relaxation whenever we hit a sensitive spot. <br />
<br />
After we've worked on the muscles individually with his finger I will put the largest dilator or my largest vibrating dildo in for a few minutes, just to prepare my vagina for the penis. This also involves a healthy lathering of coconut oil.<br />
<br />
After a few minutes I take out the dilator, do some contract/releases, and we insert the penis. We have tried a number of different positions in an effort to minimize hitting a certain spot that is painful for me (top of pelvic clock kind of near urethra). We've tried me on top, spooning on our sides with him behind me, doggy style (why be PC about it - we all know what doggy style is), and what my PT calls the fork position, which is really hard to describe. The fork is him laying on his side facing me while I lay on my back perpendicular to him with my legs draped over his pelvic area. Honestly, it's hard to tell which position is best at this point. It all feels very stretchy. I can definitely tell that some are less painful on that spot than others, but it's not as much about the position as it is about how I position myself in the position (if that makes sense).<br />
<br />
We stay still for several minutes and then we'll do a slow moving in and out. Movement is what causes me the most pain, so when I say slow I mean SLOW movement. We figured out yesterday that if we do a full in and out motion (meaning the penis goes all the way in and almost all the way out) the penis rubs across that sensitive spot of mine, and that if we don't pull the penis out quite as far it helps a lot. As for movement, the easiest position is me on top because I have total control.<br />
<br />
I have found myself very sore after these encounters. I have two different kinds of pain: The first pain is more of a stretching type pain. My husband penis is large so it feels very stretchy when it's in my vagina. The second pain is the one spot inside that does not like to be touched. I'm going to try and see if Lidocaine can help with the spot - it has never helped in the past, but maybe that's because my problems were too huge and too numerous to be fixed by Lidocaine. But now that I can pinpoint a specific area of pain, perhaps I can put Lidocaine there and it might help. As for the stretchy pain, I'm hoping that the more we do it, the less it will hurt, just like with dilating. I'm also going to try putting in a Vitamin E suppository after these episodes to try and soothe my sore vagina.<br />
<br />
Most importantly we have to make sure that we do this frequently to retrain my vagina (and my head) and I have to not get discouraged when I feel sore. It's part of the process and I have hope that it will get better.<br />
<br />
My biggest fear is still that my libido will never come back. This post has been very technical and that's what everything is right now: technical. I understand that at this point I cannot expect to feel desire or pleasure when it still hurts and feels sore, but I am terrified that once the pain goes away I still won't actually <u>want</u> to have sex. I'm trying not to let that fear take over me. I'm trying to focus on the great strides that we have made. I am very encouraged by our progress, but that fear is there, so I'm acknowledging it.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6976439803135772679.post-74821487865873673672011-05-16T04:59:00.000-07:002011-05-16T17:09:53.686-07:00The Sword Has Found Its SheathAfter more than two years of no penis/vagina contact, we have finally taken the first step to getting back to intercourse. My husband and I have a plan to loosely follow the steps outlined in the book <a href="http://downtherevaginalpain.blogspot.com/2010/02/book-review-completely-overcome.html">Completely Overcome Vaginismus</a>. We decided to start with partial insertion of the penis. First I took a bath to relax my muscles (and some Valium to relax my mind). Then we did some dilating first using my husband's finger, just to make sure that all the muscles were nice and loose. The next step was to put in the largest dilator for a few seconds, then I pulled out the dilator and directly put the penis in. I was on top so that I had all the control. Of course we used lots of lube during this whole process.<br />
<br />
It felt tight, but okay. My husband's penis is large (and sadly that is not something I want to brag about) so it definitely felt like it was stretching, but it wasn't necessarily a painful stretch. The partial insertion really felt so easy that I decided to just go all the way down and have his whole penis inside. It was easy enough to get there, but it was definitely stretchy. We hung out there for a few minutes and I tried moving my body around to see which positions were the most or least comfortable. The most comfortable position with me on top was to have my torso sort curved in a C position, kind of like a hunch-back. I'm not sure I could actually have sex this way because it would hurt my back if I was like that for too long, but at this point we're just experimenting to see what's the least painful on my vagina (specifically the urethra/G-spot that is the most painful spot for me). After a few minutes we separated and layed down for a bit, then we decided to try it again just for extra stretching.<br />
<br />
Overall I think it was a big success. We agreed from the beginning that there would be no expectation of pleasure - that this was more of a step in the process of getting to the point of real intercourse. There was no moving in and out - that will come later. But it's been two years and I finally got that phallus back in my chalice! :)<br />
<br />
We will do this a few more times and then move on to the next step.<br />
<br />
Yay for us!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6976439803135772679.post-73056925511085372072011-05-12T04:40:00.000-07:002011-05-13T13:40:21.196-07:00Extended Dilations, Hormones and MoreIt's been a couple weeks since I got the Botox injections in my Pubococcygeus and my Puborectalis muscles. It is really hard to tell what's happening down there, but I think that it has made my muscles more relaxed. It's easiest to feel this when either the PT is working down there or my husband is helping me dilate. When I do it myself it's harder to tell any difference, but when they do it, I (and they) can tell that the muscles aren't as resistant. So that's good news and hopefully a good sign for things to come.<br />
<br />
My therapist recently went to a seminar for sexual pain and among the doctors there were Dr. Goldstein and also Dr. Pacik. She spoke to both of them about me. I have never seen Dr. Pacik, but she wanted his opinion on what to do after getting botoxed. His procedure is very different from Dr. G's. Dr. Pacik puts the patient to sleep to administer the Botox and when she wakes up she has a dilator in her vagina. Now this is usually for cases that are much more extreme than mine - I can get a dilator in my vagina with no problem and no anesthesia. However, Dr. Pacik feels strongly that women with any level of pelvic pain should have a dilator inside for many hours each day. I believe his theory is that having the dilator inside for that long will help to retrain the muscles and get them used to having something in there. He feels strongly that this is part of the process. Dr. Goldstein, on the other hand, thinks this is a bunch of malarkey. But my therapist thought there was no harm in giving it a try so I talked to my PT about it and she said to go ahead and try it (my PT had never heard of doing these extended dilations before).<br />
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The longest I've been able to stand having the dilator inside is about 40 minutes. It's actually harder than I thought it would be. I thought I could just lay there and keep that dilator in there for a long time with just slight discomfort. But it actually becomes more and more painful the longer it stays in. At first I tried it with the largest dilator, but it pushes in the top spot that is very tender for me (12 o'clock on the inside - basically where the G-spot is, where the urethra is as well). So I tried going a size down. This helped a little, but it's still painful. Another problem is that it really hurts to pull it out after having it in there for so long, even though I've lubed it up like crazy. It's like my body absorbs the lube and by the time I pull it out there's really none left. Yesterday I tried relubing every 5 minutes or so, but it still felt painful every time I pulled it out. I guess I'll try the extended dilation a few more times, but as of right now I feel like it's causing more pain than actually helping.<br />
<br />
My hormones were retested a couple weeks ago and my testosterone is finally within the normal range. However I have to keep using the Androgel - 1/2 gram rubbed on thigh each day - indefinitely. Dr. G's nurse said that some people have to keep using it forever to maintain the right levels, while others are able to wean off of it eventually. I didn't realize this, and although it's not a huge deal, I really don't like the idea of having to put T gel on my legs every day for the rest of my life. It makes me hairy and pimply. If it actually gave me a sex drive I might say that it's a fair trade, but it doesn't so I'm not feeling the motivation to do this forever. Hopefully it won't be forever.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6976439803135772679.post-38417641157262481302011-04-20T07:08:00.000-07:002011-04-20T07:08:08.368-07:00I've Been BotoxedYesterday was the big injection day. I wasn't very nervous leading up to it. I only really got nervous when I was laying on the table with my legs spread and looking at needles. The idea of having someone put needles into your vagina is quite frightening.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SxfQw4HIvsI/Ta7oEhFHAYI/AAAAAAAAG_U/FMDo8aO44y4/s1600/Pelvic+Floor+muscles.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" i8="true" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-SxfQw4HIvsI/Ta7oEhFHAYI/AAAAAAAAG_U/FMDo8aO44y4/s1600/Pelvic+Floor+muscles.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The bigger hole is the vagina and the smaller<br />
hole is the anus.</td></tr>
</tbody></table> First Dr. Goldstein did a short exam to pinpoint the muscles that were the most tense. I had 100 units of Botox and he decided to split it like this: 50 units in the Puborectalis (6 on the pelvic clock) and 25 each in the left and right Pubococcygeus (around 4 and 8 on the pelvic clock). My 6 o'clock muscle was definitely the most tender, which is why he put 50 units in that muscle.<br />
<br />
As for the procedure itself, I'm not gonna lie. It was painful. Fortunately it was a very short-lived pain. I was afraid of the pricking of the needle, but I actually hardly felt that. The pain came when he injected the Botox into my muscles. It felt like fire was spreading through my vagina and all the way to my anus. It was intense, but it only lasted a couple minutes. Within 5 minutes I only felt a slight soreness and no fire, so all in all, not bad if you can deal with a couple minutes of fire. He told me to squeeze and release those muscles at least 100 times that day to make sure the Botox got spread around the muscles. Now we just wait to see what happens - I'm supposed to do aggressive PT and see if it made a difference.<br />
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A side note: while we were sitting in Dr. G's office after the procedure he mentioned that my therapist is the best patient advocate he has ever encountered. He actually said, "She's a pain in my ass, but that's not necessarily a bad thing." She will call him until she gets a response and she demands answers. My husband and I feel very lucky to have her in our corner and we agreed that we love that she is a pain in our doctors' asses. Dr. Goldstein referred to her as our quaterback. Now I do know that the quarterback is a very important position on the football field, but that's where my understanding of this metaphor ends. However I'm sure my husband appreciated the sports reference. I'll have to get him to explain to me exactly why our therapist is the quarterback. And now I'm wondering what position our other doctors play. Is Dr. G the tight end? Our PT the kicker?<br />
<br />
So getting the Botox was pretty much a positive experience. I had intense pain for a couple minutes, but it subsided quickly. I just hope it helps.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6976439803135772679.post-53409397482152965572011-04-06T13:37:00.000-07:002011-04-09T04:37:19.517-07:00It's Not Just About the Vagina (unfortunately)It has taken me a while to realize just how much my mental state has been affecting things in my life. I knew I was really depressed for a few months and that the depression was really making me feel sad and hopeless all the time. But now that I'm feeling less depressed I realize that it was more than just sadness. Last semester I was hating my job so much that I would imagine getting into car accidents just so I wouldn't have to go to work. My students got on my last nerve every day and I had nothing good to say. I will say that part of that was having the class from hell, but I think a significant part of it was also the fact that I was experimenting with different anti-anxiety drugs, some with drastic and negative side effects. I mean, I can definitely remember that when I was in the height of my Prozac reaction I was more snippy and sarcastic with my students, more mean and more negative. I thought that I was really depressed from about January through mid March, but I really think it started before that and I just didn't realize it because all these drugs confused things. I was taking Prozac around November-December and even though I didn't feel that total hopelessness that I felt in the beginning of 2011, I was definitely in a negative place. I'm wondering if I would have gone into the depression of early 2011 earlier if I hadn't been taking all those drugs at the end of 2010 - even though they had horrible side effects they may have also been staving off the depression. Because after the Prozac episode I went off all the drugs completely for a couple months (those months being January and February). It wasn't until I started taking Zoloft and Tranxene in March that my attitude and mindset started turning around to the positive side of things.<br />
<br />
I hate that I have to take a drug to make myself feel better. I mean, I'm certainly glad that it's helping, but I hate that it has to be this way. I just hope that once I get through all this vagina mess maybe I can stop taking the drugs. I just don't want to be on drugs forever.<br />
<br />
As for my job, it's still stressful, but I'm dealing with it now. I was seriously considering applying to another school district for a while, but now I feel like I at least want to give this school one more year. I feel like I wasn't in my right mind for much of this school year and maybe jumping into another school isn't really the solution.<br />
<br />
I'm certainly not all sunshine and butterflies at his point, but I do feel much better mentally. I still have my sad days and my freak out moments of "will I ever want sex again?", but it's not like it was for the last few months. I do have hope again.<br />
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My Botox appointment is set for April 19. Cross your fingers!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6976439803135772679.post-61254786540567003202011-03-30T12:52:00.000-07:002011-03-30T12:52:26.190-07:00Most interesting searches that led to my blog-normal vagina<br />
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-women vegena<br />
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-stadium seats<br />
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-discharge smells like cabbage<br />
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-why is there wrinkles on the bottom of my vagina<br />
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-Q tip<br />
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-lady sexy periods vagina game<br />
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-vagina location stomach<br />
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-what does a womans vagina look like<br />
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My favorite is stadium seats. I don't know if these people found what they were looking for, but at least it gives me some amusement.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6976439803135772679.post-31831079940023440012011-03-25T09:17:00.000-07:002011-03-25T09:17:08.232-07:00UpdatesI'm still working on getting everything straight with the Botox. My insurance and Dr. Goldstein's office are calling back and forth and it should all be worked out in the next week or so. Then I'll make the appointment.<br />
<br />
I've started on two new drugs for my anxiety and depression. I'm taking 25 mg of Zoloft once a day and 7.5 mg of Tranxene (1/2 in the morning and 1 whole at night). I started on the Tranxene doing 1/2 in the morning and 1/2 at night, but now I've gone up a bit. When I first started taking the drugs I got those bad headaches that I got when I took the Prozac. The worst of the headaches was about two days after I first started taking Zoloft and they slowly tapered off for about 2 weeks. I'm happy to say that I am rid of them now. Otherwise I would not still be taking that drug. I am actually feeling a lot better - what a relief! I'm in a better mood, I don't feel so depressed all the time, and I've noticed that I have more patience with my students too. I'm also sleeping better (and having crazy dreams, which are always fun). I'm encouraged that I'm finally taking some drugs that seem to be helping; I just hope they continue to help and don't end up making me crazy like Prozac did.<br />
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My husband and I are starting to try and get back to some intimate activities, like a 10 second kiss (sorry if that's too racy for you!) and maybe some massaging and things like that. Hopefully now that my mental state is in a better place I'll be able to progress in the intimacy part more quickly. I also want to be able to try sex one I get the Botox because that's really the whole point. I feel like we are so far from sex, but like my therapist says, I'm not going to want it until I have proof that it doesn't hurt.<br />
<br />
It turns out that the AndroGel did do its job. Apparently I now have too much testosterone and Dr. G wants me to use half the amount I was using for a while. I'm not sure why I shouldn't just stop using it if my T is too high, but I do what the doctor tells me. I'm actually a little disappointed that my testosterone is high because I was hoping that it would make me super horny and full of energy - it did not. It did, however, give me lots of acne.<br />
<br />
But I'm feeling more optimistic these days and I hope that the feeling continues. Being depressed sucks.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6976439803135772679.post-90812323293888785202011-03-10T13:19:00.000-08:002011-03-10T13:19:59.942-08:00You want less wrinkles in your vagina?<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>It turns out that when you call your insurance company to get approval for vaginal botox injections, it's quite an ordeal. I was told at Dr. G's office that if I get the botox myself and bring it in that it would be a lot less expensive than having it provided by the doctor's office. So I had to call my insurance to both find out the approval process for getting the injections and also find out how to acquire some Botox. First of all, it's kind of awkward to talk to strangers about how you need botox injections in your vagina. I talked to three people and it seemed that the idea of this was new to all of them. So first I called the main 800 number for my insurance. Good news is that they don't require any type of pre-approval for procedures so I can just get it done and send in the claim. But getting the Botox is more complicated. The medical department didn't really know what to do, so they transferred me to the Pharmacy department. The woman I spoke to in the pharmacy department was really quite perplexed and had no answers so she transferred me to the Mail-Order Pharmacy department. This person told me that the Botox is covered 100% by my medical plan (!) but that I have to pay a $15 copay to my physician. When I told him that my physician didn't take insurance, and therefore did not take copays, he was also perplexed. But he said he'd call the doctor's office and get the prescription and set it in motion. I'm still not sure when the $15 copay comes in, or if it's relevant at all, but I think I'm on my way to getting some Botox sent to me and making an appointment to have it injected into my vagina.</b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><br />
</b></div><b style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I was on the phone for a long time today. But for your info, if you get the Botox from Dr. G it costs $565, so it's definitely worth it to try going through your insurance first (I think mine will be free - but it's a little unclear). And the procedure costs $560 - close to the typical cost of a visit to Dr. G anyway.</b>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6976439803135772679.post-56522615527901734832011-03-04T09:41:00.000-08:002011-03-04T09:41:51.077-08:00The Botox Decision<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-134OfxVC6gY/TXEkMI8ULNI/AAAAAAAAG2s/k9CITHRTxZg/s1600/syringe+photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-134OfxVC6gY/TXEkMI8ULNI/AAAAAAAAG2s/k9CITHRTxZg/s320/syringe+photo.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Dr. Goldstein has reached a point with me where he's not 100 percent sure of what to do next. My burning is still around and he normally can eliminate the burning with the estradiol gel. The next step that he would like to take is Botox injections. My husband and I are not sure about this for several reasons:</b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><br />
</b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>1. Dr. G isn't guaranteeing anything with botox - it's just his best guess as to what might help.</b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><br />
</b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>2. And this is the main concern. Once I get botox, theoretically I should have no pain in the vestibule area for a couple months. This means that during that time is when my husband and I would really need to get serious about sex and penises inside vaginas. We are both concerned that the timing with botox might be very important. What if I get the botox, everything's great physical-wise, but the minute his penis goes inside me I freak out? I think the fact that I've been very down lately, feeling hopeless, and unhorny and undesireous of sexual acts makes both of us worry that it might be too soon to consider numbing the vagina because maybe the emotions won't be able to take it. Does that makes sense?</b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><br />
</b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Our therapist made a good point though. She said that as long as the pain is there, the fear will be there. And as long as the fear is there, it's highly unlikely that I will get any desire back until it is proven over and over and over again that I can have sex without pain. She also said, taking sex totally out of the picture, what if getting botox just made the burning go away and nothing else? Wouldn't it still be worth it? Well, yeah, I guess so.</b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><br />
</b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>This is why we need a therapist. My husband and I were thinking about it in a sex/no sex way with the botox. And our ultimate hope in using botox is to be able to have sex pain-free. But what if we still have sexual issues after the botox (inevitably we will because it won't solve all the mental stuff) but the burning is gone? I just can't imagine! It would be so wonderful to not have burning. I could ride a bike, I could sit for more than an hour, my life would be changed in many very small, but significant ways.</b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><br />
</b></div><b style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">And when I think about it that way, I'm inclined to say yes to Botox. I mean, how can it hurt? Will it give me pain free sex? Who knows. If it does give me pain free sex will my emotions be able to handle it and will I get my libido back? Who knows. Will it cure the burning? Who knows. Is it worth a try? I think so.</b><br />
<br />
<b style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Any thoughts?</b> <b style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Anyone with Botox experience?</b>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6976439803135772679.post-23940855200091967912011-02-28T09:49:00.000-08:002011-02-28T09:51:54.952-08:00A Silver Lining<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Definitely not platinum; not even white gold. But as my mom likes to say, "beggars can't be choosers," so I guess I'll take it. I had a sex dream the other night. It has been many, many months since I've had any sexy-type dreams. And then I had another one last night! I'm hoping that this is a positive sign and that the testosterone might finally be doing something in my body. I used to have sex dreams all the time and then they just stopped (I can't even remember how long it's been). Now if I could just have sexy day dreams that would be awesome.</b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><br />
</b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>I also joined a book club recently. I love to read and I decided that it would be nice to read a book and have a group of people with whom to talk to about it (especially since all my friends live in other states and I basically have no one to hang out with except my husband.) I think that the book club has lifted my spirits as well. I think just being able to hang out with some women and talk about books and movies for several hours has been really mentally healing for me. I've met with them twice. I hope that the book club continues to be a relaxing outlet for me to just hang out and be normal for a few hours.</b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><br />
</b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>I have been in a deeply dark place for a long while now. I have been feeling a little less sorry for myself in, like, the last few days. I hope it continues. I still try not to think about the hard stuff too much - it just brings me down. If I start thinking about my gigantic fear that I will never want sex again I start to panic. If I think about how my clock is ticking and how much I want to have children I start to panic. If I look around my tiny apartment and really see the massive clutter everywhere I start to panic. But at least now I have something to distract me: books. Books, TV, movies, and sewing projects (and this blog) are definitely my coping mechanisms. I can escape into another world for at least a little while.</b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><br />
</b></div><b style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">And you know what? The sun is shining and the temperature is going up. I don't think any of us can deny that good weather is always a spirit lifter.</b>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6976439803135772679.post-25100952529438834732011-02-18T09:35:00.000-08:002011-02-18T09:35:59.862-08:00Carob as a substitute for chocolate?<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">Um, not really. It looks like chocolate. And that's where the similarities end. Whoever decided that carob is a substitute for chocolate has obviously not had chocolate in a long time. As I wrote before, I have been trying the Bladder Friendly Diet to see if it helps with my burning. Chocolate is a no-no in this diet so I bought some carob chips and made oatmeal carob chip cookies to try and get my chocolate fix. Not so much. It's hard to describe what carob tastes like - kind of fruity I think; not chocolaty at all. And another thing - it doesn't melt. I baked the cookies in a 350 degree oven and the carob did not melt. It was disappointing.</span></b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">The good news (or is it?) is that it seems that the Bladder Friendly Diet really had no effect on me one way or the other. I thought it was working, but then I had all this burning and itching while I was still strictly following the diet. It's good news because I cannot live without chocolate, tomatoes and vinegar. But it would have been nice to pinpoint a specific trigger for the burning. Oh well. It's still a mystery.</span></b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></b></div><b><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: small;">In other news I've been pretty down lately. I just feel like my life is stagnant. There is no moving forward. My best friends live far away from me so we usually talk on the phone to keep each other updated on our lives. I've been avoiding calling them because I have nothing to say. Or at least, nothing good to say. And I know they are my friends and they love me and they want to be supportive, but really, who wants to hear my pity party? I don't. Who wants to hear about how I still can't have sex and I still have no desire and my vagina is still burning and it's still all a mystery? They're all getting pregnant and decorating their houses and living normal lives. I don't want to talk to anybody because I don't want to have to answer the question: How are you? What have you been up to lately? How's life? Answers: depressed. nothing. stagnant. Lately whenever I talk to people I do everything I can to steer the conversation towards them. Nothing new over here. Nothing's changed.</span></b>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6976439803135772679.post-18220563140375492642011-02-03T11:05:00.000-08:002011-02-03T11:07:36.009-08:00The Bladder Friendly Diet<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">I've been trying the <a href="http://www.ic-network.com/diet/">bladder friendly diet</a> for about a week and a half now. It's going okay. It might be too soon to say whether it's really working, but I will say that I haven't had any burning for several days. I've been keeping a food/burning journal so that I can see any correlations between what foods I eat and how my vagina feels. The last time I reported burning was on Monday, so I've had three days of no burning. Is it the food or just a coincidence? I don't know.</span></b></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b><br />
</b></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_TrUMxhjHGoc/TUr7TOMiAtI/AAAAAAAAGw4/ot3eoi1ZEM8/s1600/banana.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_TrUMxhjHGoc/TUr7TOMiAtI/AAAAAAAAGw4/ot3eoi1ZEM8/s200/banana.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-size: small;">The hardest part for me with this diet is just having to restrict myself. I'm used to just eating whatever I want (usually pretty healthy) and now I have to think about everything. The worst is the fruit and vegetable situation. There are very few fruits I am allowed to eat and although I can eat most vegetables, I have yet to find a good salad dressing that doesn't have any forbidden ingredients in it. I've made two salad dressings - one that was apple based and one that was cottage cheese based - they were both disgusting!</span></b></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b><br />
</b></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_TrUMxhjHGoc/TUr7horh9pI/AAAAAAAAGw8/uOZhbYrpV_Q/s1600/Chocolate.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="155" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_TrUMxhjHGoc/TUr7horh9pI/AAAAAAAAGw8/uOZhbYrpV_Q/s200/Chocolate.jpg" width="200" /></a><span style="font-size: small;">I have cheated a couple times. I ate chocolate one day (because we had International Night at my school and my students wanted me to try what they made - I had to do it!) and I have probably had a few ingredients when going out to eat that were on the NO list. But I've been pretty good. This weekend I will start with adding back in bananas and see how that goes. I'm starving for fruit! I can only eat apples, pears, and blueberries. I'm not a big apple fan, blueberries are not in season and aren't that great, so I've been eating pears...just pears. I really hope that I am not sensitive to bananas. After that I'll add something else - not sure what yet.</span></b></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></b></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">I'm hoping that maybe there are just a few foods that cause sensitivity and that eventually I can add most of the foods back in. It's just too restrictive for a food lover like me to do this diet forever. It's impressive that I've lasted this long (I know that's sad, it's been less than 2 weeks. But I love food!).</span></b></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b><br />
</b></div><b><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; font-size: small;">I'll try to keep you updated on how the diet goes. So far so good in the burning department, but I feel seriously deprived of fruit and chocolate!</span></b>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6976439803135772679.post-43191130659418860802011-01-21T09:39:00.000-08:002011-01-22T05:35:19.230-08:00I can't think of a good title...<span style="font-size: large;">It's been over a month since I've written here. I've had plenty to write about, but I just haven't had the energy to do it. I've been feeling pretty down lately. My vagina started burning again after I was doing so well, which has been really discouraging. I've regressed not only physically, but mentally. We were making progress with kissing and naked cuddling and it's like a switch went off in my brain and I have no desire to do any of those things.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">My job is very stressful and getting worse. I teach in an inner-city middle school and my students this year are just crazy. Every day I have to deal with kids screaming, running around the room, throwing things at each other, cussing each other out, having "shut up" fights (they tell each other to shut up and it keeps going back and forth and getting louder and louder). I leave work every day just completely drained. They say that your first year of teaching is the hardest, but that is not the case for me. This is my third year and it's definitely been the hardest.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">So after an exhausting day at work, then I'm supposed to go home and do my dilator exercises and do my stretching and cook dinner and get ready for the next day and somehow find the desire to make out with my husband. It's all just too much. And it kills me that making out with my husband isn't a stress reliever, isn't something that I want to do but is just another thing I have to cross off my list.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">With all that said, I saw Dr. Goldstein again yesterday. I still have burning, which is why I made the appointment, but that's not all. It turns out from my hormone test that the testosterone cream basically did nothing. My testosterone hasn't really gone up at all even though I went through 2 prescriptions-worth of it. That is both discouraging and perhaps a good thing. It's discouraging that my body didn't absorb any of it like it should have. However, that means that maybe there's still a chance of my energy and libido increasing when I finally do get my testosterone where it should be. This time Dr. G prescribed the stuff that men use - Andro Gel (it's the stuff that cyclists use to get better/faster and then get in trouble with the Tour de France). So it's stronger and hopefully it will work. I guess if I start growing chest hair and my voice gets deeper we'll know it's working.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Another disheartening thing we found at the doctor was that my pelvic floor muscles are worse. Now that is partially because of all the burning - I haven't been doing my dilators like I should. Now my muscles from 3-9 on the pelvic clock are very tight. He also said that it's only the artificial muscles close to the opening, not the deeper muscles. So he wants me back on the Valium suppositories (I felt nothing with these, but he still thinks they might help with PT) and he wants me to be more aggressive with my PT and just push through it if it's burning. He also mentioned that I could get Botox injections to help speed up PT. We are going to consider it. It is expensive, but not so expensive that we won't do it. But I think we're going to see how this other stuff works first before doing the Botox.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I am also still sensitive right where my urethra is. Dr G thinks I might have a mild case of Interstitial Cystitis. He said there is a medication for it, but that he is hesitant to prescribe it because the side effect is depression (and I don't need any more of that). So I have decided that I am going to try a <a href="http://www.ic-network.com/diet/">bladder-friendly diet</a> for a few weeks and see if that makes a difference. It will be hard because I can't drink green tea or eat chocolate or bananas (the tea and bananas are a daily thing for me and the chocolate is not far behind!). But I'm going to try it and eventually I can work those foods back in one at a time and if they don't bother me I can continue eating them. Since we aren't sure about whether I have Interstitial Cystitis and if I do have it, it's a mild case, I figure I should try changing my diet before taking medications or doing other more expensive and invasive treatments.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">With all the physical issues I have nothing worries me more than the mental stuff. I still feel hopeful that we can fix the physical stuff, but I'm terrified that I will never feel horny again. I'm terrified that I will never feel like a normal person feels. My husband described it as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder the other day and I think that's a pretty good way to describe it. It's like anything remotely to do with sex (like kissing) just makes me automatically put up a road block and want nothing to do with it.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I know I can loosen up my pelvic muscles, I know I can get rid of this burning, but can I ever convince myself that I want to have sex?</span><span style="font-size: 18pt;"> </span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6976439803135772679.post-6613393777820852992010-12-17T10:36:00.000-08:002010-12-17T10:36:12.070-08:00Where to start?<span style="font-size: large;">I have been so stressed and so jumbled in the head lately that I really don't know where to begin with this entry. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">My last entry described my crazy reaction to Prozac of which I am still feeling the effects. I still have the rash on my stomach and back and for about a week and a half I had the worst entire-skull headaches of my life. I mean, my temples, forehead, sinuses, chin, jaw, teeth, cheekbones, everything throbbed. I actually took a sick day on Tuesday because I was awake all night with a throbbing skull (and that was after taking 2 oxycodones, which hardly did anything). The headaches are finally subsiding, although still lingering a bit. My doctor said it would take a few weeks for the Prozac to be fully out of my system.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Another effect of the Prozac was extreme anxiety, nervousness, and figitiness. In the mornings I would feel like I did the first week of my first year of teaching - just complete terror and nervousness - but without a specific source. It was awful. And it brought me down emotionally. I've had many moments of being in puddles of tears over something and feeling extra sorry for myself.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I can't blame it all on Prozac. The other big issue is that my vagina burns again. I am so discouraged and nobody knows what to do. I have an appointment with Dr. Goldstein in January, but even he's not sure what to do next. And my physical therapist is trying different things but I don't think the latest is working. She wants me to put in a smallish dilator and squeeze and release until I can squeeze no more. I've never actually done it for that long because I could be there for hours. I could squeeze and release all day. But I have noticed that every time I do it, my vagina is sore and extra burny for the rest of that day and the following day. I also have shooting throbs of pain here and there. I don't think I'll be doing that exercise anymore. I just can't see any benefit.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Our friends just had their second baby in less than a year. I am very happy for them (and frightened for them having two kids under the age of 1), but it reminds me of my ever-increasing and impossible-to-fulfill dream of having children. I am so far removed from the possibility of getting pregnant and it makes me cry as I sit here right now typing this. I know that there are other ways to get pregnant, but the thought of having to get pregnant using a petri dish is just too much to bear. Plus, why on earth would we want to have kids now when our sex life (if you can call it that) is so screwed up? When every waking hour is spent going to appointments, doing dilator exercises, going to work, reading about vagina problems, going to the therapist, and taking lots of baths to soothe my burning vagina? It doesn't even make sense to try and bring a kid into all that. But the fact remains that I want to have children. I know I still have time. I'm only 28. But when my vagina is still burning I can't even picture a time when we would even be able to try to get pregnant. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">My life, and my husband and I's life together, is passing us by while we try to fix this thing. We live in a small apartment which we keep renewing the lease for because we can't make any kind of commitment to buying a house right now. Why? Because we can't commit to living here forever. Why? Because we had dreams of doing the Peace Corps and living in another country before settling down to buy a house somewhere. But that dream is over. We can't do the Peace Corps because of me. Yes it is possible to live in another country and find the health care that I need, but honestly, that is terrifying. My husband wants a different career, but he can't even really start to think about what that might be because my vagina holds us here. It's like we're on a plane that is trying to land but can't, and just continues to circle the runway. We aren't going anywhere exciting, but we also can't get out and move on with our lives. We're both stuck. We want more for ourselves and for each other, but we can't seem to find the motivation to even try. The vagina is holding us here in this apartment, in this city, in this life. It's not a bad place to live, but we should choose it because we want it, not because it's the easiest thing for all my problems.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6976439803135772679.post-76613967351005692002010-12-06T09:04:00.000-08:002010-12-06T09:04:44.251-08:00Prozac: what are you doing to me?<div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I've been taking Prozac for a few weeks now. I thought it was working, but last week my psychiatrist upped the dose from 20 to 30 mg. The first day I took the higher dose I had a massive all day and night headache. Then the second day I took 30 mg I had the headache and I was highly agitated, feeling very nervous, very anxious and jittery. I also have little red spots on my stomach and back that have been coming for the last few weeks, but I'm just now making the connection to the Prozac (at least I think so). I've gone back down to 20mg and called my doctor, but I haven't been able to speak to him yet. I'm still feeling slightly nervous and jittery, still have a little headache and the red spots are still there. Has anyone out there ever had these types of reactions to Prozac?</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">I don't know what we'll try next. It's exhausting trying to find the right medication to make me less anxious - and in the meantime the process making me MORE anxious!</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6976439803135772679.post-23413491874097320242010-11-24T07:21:00.000-08:002010-11-24T07:21:05.825-08:00What the hell is this?<div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Catchy title, right? Well here's what happened. After an hour and a half session with our therapist, I stood up from the couch and instantly had a sharp pain in my clitoris. I have read many other blogs that speak about clitoral pain, but I've never myself had it. What the hell? So I had this sharp pain for several hours after that. I took a hot bath which usually helps my vagina pain a bit, and while I was in the bath I felt around and pushed on different spots and found that if I pushed on the bottom part of my clitoris there was a sharp pain. Also, the friction of walking around irritated it. When I went to bed it was still hurting, but I woke up this morning and it's gone. What is this?! I am so hoping that it was just an anomaly. I don't need to add clitoris problems to my already long list. Does anyone have any insight about this problem?</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">So far all my pain has been internal - why oh why must there be another component? PLEASE NO!!</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6976439803135772679.post-20520753084558517322010-11-16T09:16:00.000-08:002010-11-16T09:16:05.358-08:00PH and Vaginal Burning<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">I've mentioned before that I feel like my vagina burns more when I'm dehydrated. Well, I recently read an article that my PT gave me about PH and here's the very short version of what it said: When your body is dehydrated, your PH becomes more acidic - drinking water makes your PH more alkaline. Your vagina prefers to be more alkaline, therefore, drinking water really does help in reducing burning. I knew it just from personal observation, but it's nice to read that I actually was right and that there's some science to back it up. So ladies, drink up! It will make your vagina more alkaline and in turn reduce your burning (hopefully).</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_TrUMxhjHGoc/TOK8BnUwFDI/AAAAAAAAGmE/OGUfVQ3rRww/s1600/PDC1046.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_TrUMxhjHGoc/TOK8BnUwFDI/AAAAAAAAGmE/OGUfVQ3rRww/s320/PDC1046.jpg" width="308" /></a></div><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">PS - It's ironic that I'm writing this post on a day that I forgot my water bottle and I am parched! I've had to run to the water fountain in between my classes just to get a sip! Hopefully my vagina won't punish me later.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6976439803135772679.post-44864692318907770502010-11-09T08:54:00.000-08:002010-11-09T08:54:41.028-08:00My FEELINGS<div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">My husband mentioned to me recently that my last few posts have been very straightforward and informational, but that I haven't expressed many of the feelings that I felt during the doctors' appointments. And expressing and understanding my feelings about it all is a crucial part of the emotional part of my healing process. So here I will talk about my feelings!</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I think part of the reason I didn't mention feelings in my Goldstein Visit #3 post was because there was so much information to get across and I really hadn't processed it all emotions-wise. What I didn't mention about that visit is that when Dr. G was examining me and poking at the urethral spot that hurts, I started crying. I wasn't crying from the pain and I knew that at the time, but I also wasn't sure why exactly I was crying. As we've discovered, it often takes me several weeks of reflection to realize why I was crying two weeks ago! Well I've figured it out. The tears had been building all day and they finally came out on the examining table - probably at that moment because I was in such a vulnerable position. But I realize now that I had been worrying all day about the fact that I had a NEW problem. I knew that the tissues were healing, but I had this new pain in a specific spot and it was disheartening. Before I even went in there I knew that this urethral spot was a different issue. When I first saw Dr. G in April he said I'd be having pain-free sex by the end of this year. I knew then not to get my hopes up too high, but I did hope that he was right. However, he wasn't. This doesn't mean that I blame him or don't think he's a good doctor. He has helped me tremendously and he continues to help me, but it's very discouraging to know that I'm not fixed, that I have another issue to tackle now. Was this pain always there or did it just start? I think we might never know. It may have always been there, but the other issue was so much more painful that the urethral pain took a back seat; or maybe it just came about in the last couple months. It doesn't really matter; the tears were flowing because I knew that my problems were not solved. I knew that I wouldn't be having sex by the end of this year.</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">My vagina continues to burn and that is discouraging. I don't know how to make it stop and it is also affecting the progress that my husband and I are making together. I don't want him touching my vagina when it's burning. And we were getting close to actually using the penis! It feels like a step back so I'm discouraged.</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I just hope that the Valium suppositories will help relax my pelvic floor, and in turn make the burning cease. If not, I guess I'll have to take another trip to D.C. and possibly to a urologist.</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I have not given up, and I never will. I do still have faith that this issue will be solved. I do still have faith that I will be able to have sex with my husband and that I will WANT to have sex with my husband.</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">Recently someone wrote a comment on a very old post that I wrote about vaginismus. Among many offensive things, he said that I should become a nun, or at least celibate, because sexual dysfunction is God's way of enforcing population control. Well, at first I was pissed and offended by his remarks; then I was just amused at how ridiculous they were. I am hesitant to even mention his comments because I don't want to give him the attention that he so obviously craves; nor do I want his negativity to infect my blog. But I'm going to put a positive spin on it. I've had a few days to reflect on what this guy said and although his comments were offensive and ludicrous, they have actually given me more hope. Because it has made me realize that I never once considered giving up and just being celibate. Not once. (And of course for completely different reasons have never considered being a nun either). That has never entered my mind as an option. I have my days where I feel discouraged and want to quit all the doctors and all the exercises, but not ONCE have I ever considered giving up. So his comments made me realize that I am strong and that I am a fighter. I'm not going to give up ever. I will continue to fight this until it is resolved. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">So, I had a revelation, a realization that I am stronger than I have given myself credit for. I mentioned the above comments to give context to that revelation, and for no other reason. I hope to continue using this blog as an honest place for me to vent my feelings as well as a place for women to go to ask questions and answer questions; and a place for women (and husbands, boyfriends, or partners) to feel like they are not alone. </span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6976439803135772679.post-37742087580625861042010-11-06T11:30:00.000-07:002010-11-06T11:30:18.490-07:00Using Cloth Pads<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_TrUMxhjHGoc/TNQv4bbeKkI/AAAAAAAAGlI/0q0XlZ1xvTI/s1600/il_fullxfull.177629346.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_TrUMxhjHGoc/TNQv4bbeKkI/AAAAAAAAGlI/0q0XlZ1xvTI/s320/il_fullxfull.177629346.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Overnight Muffies</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">It's been several months since I started using cloth pads so I wanted to let you know how it's going. I like it in general, although there are some frustrations. The type of pad really makes a difference comfort-wise. My favorite pads are made by <a href="http://www.etsy.com/people/Pleat?ref=ls_profile">Pleat</a> and they are the <a href="http://www.etsy.com/listing/60739410/choose-any-five-overnight-muffies-cloth?ref=pr_shop">Overnight Muffies</a>. I don't just use them overnight - they are longer and I like them better than the daytime ones (<a href="http://www.etsy.com/listing/60660295/choose-any-five-regular-muffies-cloth?ref=pr_shop">Regular Muffies</a>) because they offer more coverage. I also have some pads that I only wear at night because they were a good deal, but not very comfortable. They feel like a diaper, but they do serve a purpose because they are very long and work well for sleeping. If you are looking for a less expensive night time only pad then I will recommend the <a href="http://www.etsy.com/listing/60701314/the-serious-starter-set-of-8-eco?ref=pr_shop">Mama Moon Pads</a> by Cre8tiveMama, but like I said, I only use them at night because I find them uncomfortable.</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_TrUMxhjHGoc/TNQwSZCPnxI/AAAAAAAAGlM/XEAXVlM3JzE/s1600/il_fullxfull.189119484.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="257" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_TrUMxhjHGoc/TNQwSZCPnxI/AAAAAAAAGlM/XEAXVlM3JzE/s320/il_fullxfull.189119484.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mama Moon Pads</td><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Right now I have 8 night time pads, 10 Overnight Muffies, and 5 Regular Muffies. And with the muffies I use a little extender snap that I acquired somehow because they aren't quite wide enough for my underwear. During a typical period, I have to do laundry about halfway through to have enough pads to last and sometimes I still have to supplement with disposable pads. I think if I wanted to get through the whole period without using any disposable pads I would probably buy 10 more Overnight Muffies - just to give you an idea of how many you need to get through a period. I could do more than one load of laundry, but I don't like to waste water, so if I don't have clothes to wash with them, I'm not going to do a load just for pads.</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">And that brings me to my one issue with these pads. I don't like stains, and gosh darnit I cannot get the stains out of some of these pads! I've tried pre-soaking them in oxyclean water, vinegar water, baking soda water, and nothing has worked to get all the stains out. They aren't horrible, but I wish I could get them out. Also, it seems like they are getting a bit dingy. Is it the way I pre-soak or wash them? Any advice? I wash them with my clothes on a regular cycle with regular unscented detergent and I lay them on a towel to air dry. Should I try another method?</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">Overall I like the cloth pads. My vagina can breathe more and I'm not being as wasteful.</span> <span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">And they're pretty :)</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6976439803135772679.post-8692321328525220472010-11-05T05:34:00.000-07:002010-11-05T05:34:57.953-07:00Test Results Are In<div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I've had lots of tests in the last month and have neglected to update you on their results.</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I mentioned that I was going to see my regular doctor to be tested for hypothyroidism because I have so many of the symptoms. Well, I have no thyroid issues. So that's good. I mean, in one way it would help explain my fatigue, but I suppose I'd rather not have a thyroid issue that has to be treated for the rest of my life. She also tested me for the Epstein Barr virus that I had when I was younger (due to getting Mono when I was 2) and caused my Chronic Fatigue, and the test showed that the EBV is no longer active in my system. I'm not sure what this means exactly, because I'm still tired, but I no longer have an active EBV in my body. Yay?</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">So why am I still tired? Good question. No answer really. My doctor told me that that might just be my life; that it might be my normal. Well, I told her that was unacceptable - it's not okay for me to be this tired all the time. She said the normal stuff - some people need 9 hours of sleep a night (me included) and I try, but it's hard to get that much sleep when I have to wake up at 5:30am. She also said I need to exercise. Well, as I've said here before and I said to her, how can I exercise when I'm totally exhausted? It's a never-ending cycle. But whatever. Hopefully the other things I'm doing will help with the fatigue.</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">My hormone results are back and they are still low. Dr. G wants me to use a systemic testosterone cream for 3 weeks every day and then 3 times per week until I don't know. Even though my estrogen is still low, he says I'm out of the menopause low and he wants me to stop the Estradiol for now. I think he's hoping that my own body will pick up the pace after getting a jump start. He also prescribed the Diazapam suppositories to help relax my pelvic floor muscles. I will be getting those today so I'll let you know how they go. I guess I'll do them anally like he recommended because my vagina is so sensitive - but I'm not looking forward to it! He can't explain the burning that has returned, but he's hoping that the suppositories will help and I've been trying to do more yoga which seems to help too. I really think that stretching is key - it does make a difference.</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">My psychiatrist has lowered my Clonazapam to .5mg in the morning and .5mg at night and added 10mg of Prozac in the morning. We'll see. This will supposedly help with the fatigue, but it takes longer to get into the system. I've been taking the Prozac for about 1.5 weeks and I'm still tired, but he said it could take a month. It also has some scary side effects, but so far all I've noticed is dry mouth. If it gives me more energy, I'll take dry mouth.</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">So the Prozac and testosterone are both supposed to help me in the energy department. I sure hope so. I'm so tired. I want to exercise, but I have no energy. I'm hoping for the best with these drugs. We'll see how it goes.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6976439803135772679.post-87774953153600743872010-10-22T09:28:00.000-07:002010-10-22T09:28:29.061-07:00Goldstein Visit #3<div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Well, I don't even know where to start. There is a lot of information to share. It helps me to break it into categories so that's what I'll do:</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><u>The Vestibule:</u></span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">It appears that my vestibule is pretty well healed. I didn't really have much pain with the Q-tip test, so that's good news. Dr. G said he may take me off of the Estradiol, but he wants to learn the results of my hormone test beforehand. I would be shocked if my estrogen is where is should be, but according to my vagina - Dr. G thinks I have some good estrogen down there.</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><u>Hormones</u>:</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"></div><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">I'll get the results back next week, but like I said, I just don't think there's any way my hormones are where they should be. Dr. G did prescribe Testosterone gel that I am supposed to apply daily to my legs. He also said that I should rotate the spot of application because it can make me hairy! (yikes!) He said it also might cause more acne. But he also said that it could help with my libido and give me more energy, so that is a trade I'm willing to make.</span> <span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">Depending</span> <span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">on the results of my thyroid test, we might just stick with the testosterone gel for now before trying other methods to increase my energy. He said he doesn't want me trying too many new things at once - and I agree.</span> <span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<u><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">The new (or is it?) problem:</span></span></u><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Lately during PT, I've been feeling pain at the 12 o'clock spot, but not in the pelvic muscles - it's actually where my urethra is. I told Dr. G about this and he went in there, and it was, in fact, quite painful. He's not sure what to do about this, but he mentioned seeing a urologist (great, another doctor). However, like I said earlier, he doesn't want me doing too many new things at once, so the urologist idea is tabled for the moment. This problem actually made Dr. G question himself - he said "is this new or did I miss it the last time?". I don't know the answer to that question either. Maybe it was there, but the other problems were more prominent. I don't know. But it's definitely there now.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<u><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">The burning is back:</span></span></u><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">My vagina has been burning on and off for about the last two weeks. Dr. G actually has no answer! He says from a visual standpoint, everything looks burn-free. He actually admitted that he wasn't sure what to do about that. In a way, I'm disappointed that he didn't have a solution for me, but it also makes me trust him more. It's hard to trust someone who thinks he knows everything, and now Dr. G has proven that he doesn't think that - that there are things he doesn't know. And to me, that makes him a better doctor. With that said, I hope he/we can figure out what all the burning is about.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<u><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">The discharge:</span></span></u><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I told Dr. G how I've been having rivers of discharge for the last three weeks and he said, "yes! Your ovaries are working!". Apparently, normal women have a lot of discharge and it's nothing to worry about (however it is quite bothersome). But it made him very hopeful that my estrogen levels have risen because now my ovaries are doing their job. In his words, "most women are dry as the Sahara because they are taking birth control. This is not normal". So okay, my leaky vagina is normal. Yes! One point for me! I used the word <i>normal</i> in the same sentence as vagina!</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></span><br />
<u><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Estradiol info:</span></span></u><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I found out exactly what the base was in my new Estradiol gel - it's Acid Mantlebase - Dr. G says that it can be less irritating for some people because it has lipids to hold in moisture and act as a barrier and that it has an emollient affect. My original Estradiol base was Methyl Cellulose, which is basically water, which is why he usually prescribes it because it tends to be less irritating, but I needed something more. </span></span><br />
<br />
<u><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Anxiety Meds: </span></span></u><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">I plan to talk to my psych about changing from Clonazepam to something else because I'm just too tired. Dr. G said that meds like Prozac and the like do have a libido side effects, but that it would be okay to try them for now if I need to get my anxiety down.</span> <span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">He also wants to consider a Diazapam suppository, which is basically Valium to help relax my pelvic floor. But we're waiting on that as well. Not too much at once. He said <i>anal</i> suppository and I was like, "what what?! You want me to put it in my butt?</span></span><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">"</span> <span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">I do</span> <span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">not want to put things in my butt. But he said that he usually says to put it in the vagina, but since mine is so sensitive he worries that there will be a negative reaction. So, I might have to put a suppository up my butt. I'll do it, but I won't like it. However, if it helps, I'll like the result.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Well, I think that's all. We really did a lot yesterday and my brain was so fried I couldn't write this entry last night. So I'm writing it now at work instead of doing work :). Please ask any questions. It's a lot of information. </span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com24tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6976439803135772679.post-75707562154695525902010-10-20T09:06:00.000-07:002010-10-20T09:06:56.547-07:00Well, the ball is rolling, but probably not fast<div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I went to the doctor yesterday to get tested for hypothyroidism, among other fatigue-causing illnesses. She doesn't seem to think that I have it, and I probably don't, but we did blood work, which I will get back next week. If it's not that, then we'll just start a guessing game I suppose. I just want to be normal, and you all may not know this because this blog is about my vagina, but I've been tired my whole life - more tired than other people. I go to bed by 9pm at the latest every night and I'm still exhausted. I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome when I was a teenager, but knowing that really doesn't help me be less tired. All they say is "get more sleep". Okay, well if I go to bed any earlier, I won't be able to fall asleep, plus I won't get anything done! It's frustrating. Hopefully we'll figure out something eventually. More sleep is not going to help - I already get as much sleep as I can and I'm still tired.</span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">I'm going to see Goldstein tomorrow so I'll post an update soon about that.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0