…and then a bit more after that. Who knows if anyone is still even reading my blog. I don’t blame you if you’ve abandoned it, since I sort of did - at least temporarily. It’s not that I had nothing to say – there’s been plenty to talk about and my problems are far from over –I guess I just wanted to take a break. I’m a teacher so I was taking the summer off from work and from blogging I guess.
I won’t attempt to try and remember everything that I have missed writing about these past 4 months. Mainly, I still have pain with sex and I still have no desire for sex. Those are the two big problems that we are still working on. We can sort of have sex, but it never goes all the way because if it’s not hurting at first, it starts hurting after a few minutes of friction. We’re trying all different kinds of lube. So far the best combination is coconut oil mixed with Slippery Stuff. The coconut oil lasts longer and the Slippery Stuff is thicker so they both serve a purpose. I have some other kinds coming in the mail that are supposed to be good too. We have tried Good Clean Love once,but I felt a lot of burning. I don’tknow if it was the lube or something else since we only tried it once, so I’ll keep you posted on that.
We decided to tryout a new doctor to see if we can get some other ideas on how to fix my problems. Dr. Goldstein definitely helped and I would recommend him, but lately he’s seemed a bit flummoxed on what to do next – he said that usually people are cured by now and I’m not. Last week we went down to Chapel Hill to the UNC Vulvar Pain Clinic. I saw the Physician’s Assistant of Dr. Zolnoun, Elisabeth Johnson. She was really nice, had a good sense of humor, and made me feel as comfortable as one can feel in that situation.
Elisabeth had a very different take on what my problem is: She asked a lot of questions about clenching of teeth, headaches, constipation, anxiety, tiredness, etc. during the exam. Then she did a very thorough Q-tip exam. She feels strongly that it is a nerve issue, not a skin or muscle issue at this point. She said they see a lot of the above symptoms in patients similar to me and they treat this as a nervous system issue. Essentially that my nervous system is a bit out of whack and not regulated as well as other people's (I understood it as a heightened sense of tension that displays itself both psychologically and physiologically in a variety of ways). She said it helps explain why I can feel pain in different ways and places from day today and she even said my exam was "inconsistent.” So basically they're trying to put that in order first. They put me on low doses of Propronolol (a blood pressure medicine) and Cymbalta (a depressions medicine), however neither of them are meant to treat blood pressure or depression issues - they are meant to treat the nervous system somehow. They have apparently had success using drugs to help regulate the overall nervous system and then isolating any issues down there (even stating that sometimes they think the issue is one place and once the nervous system is under control they find the true problem is different than they initially thought). So we go back to UNC in 8 weeks hopefully with a more regulated nervous system (which could also help with some of the other seemingly unrelated issues I have, like constipation, clenching my teeth, constant fatigue, etc.). She mentioned the possibility of a nerve block at some point, but said she wouldn't know until the systemic issue was corrected. She was hesitant to call this Pudendal Neuralgia because she doesn’t feel comfortable diagnosing me yet and because she has read all the horror stories online and she doesn’t want me looking it up and getting freaked out. So I won’t. I’ve read many blogs of women who have Pudendal Neuralgia and it sounds terrible. But I’ll just wait and see what happens.
So far the only thing the drugs are doing is giving me stomach problems. The doctor said that the blood pressure one can cause nausea at first, but I’ve had little nausea, a little constipation, and a LOT of gas. I hope it goes away soon. I can’t be farting these deadly-smelling farts while I’m teaching a room full of 7th graders! But I’ve been on the drugs less than a week so we’ll see what happens.
This is long, so I’ll stop. If you’re still reading my blog, thanks! I’ll try to do a better job of keeping you updated.
Showing posts with label pain during sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain during sex. Show all posts
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
The Penis Process
My husband and I have inserted the penis three times so far and I thought it might be helpful to some if I detailed the process that we go through to make sure it's as successful as possible. We've had a slightly different process each time, but I'll lay out the one I feel has been the most effective.
At least an hour before we start I take Valium - this is to calm my mind and help me with the major anticipatory anxiety that I feel about the penis.
I prepare the Penis Insertion Station (I've never really called it that) by laying several towels down on the bed, as well as some hand towels, lubrication, and a large dilator/dildo. The reason for all the towels is that we are using Coconut Oil as our lubricant, by recommendation of my PT, and man is it messy! Oil does not come out in the wash and we don't want to stain our sheets.
A note about the Coconut Oil: I was telling my PT that when I tried keeping the dilator in for long periods of time, it felt like my body was absorbing all the lubricant and then when I pulled the dilator out my vagina was dry and it felt like the dilator was taking some of my skin with it (painful!). So she suggested that using an oil-based lubricant would be better because water-based lubricants will be absorbed by your body at a much faster rate. She suggests Coconut Oil specifically because she says it's all natural and inherently antibacterial. It also smells good, but you can get an unscented kind if you don't like the smell. She also said that using Olive Oil is great too (Coconut Oil is a bit expensive).
Back to the process: I take a warm bath for about 30 minutes and just lay there and read my book and really try to relax all my muscles.
When I get out of the bath it's time for stretching and penis entry. So first I lay down on the towels that are on the bed and my husband uses his finger (lubricated) to go around the pelvic clock and try to work out any tension that I feel in any of my muscles. My PT taught him how to move my legs in different ways so that the muscle is in the best position for relaxation whenever we hit a sensitive spot.
After we've worked on the muscles individually with his finger I will put the largest dilator or my largest vibrating dildo in for a few minutes, just to prepare my vagina for the penis. This also involves a healthy lathering of coconut oil.
After a few minutes I take out the dilator, do some contract/releases, and we insert the penis. We have tried a number of different positions in an effort to minimize hitting a certain spot that is painful for me (top of pelvic clock kind of near urethra). We've tried me on top, spooning on our sides with him behind me, doggy style (why be PC about it - we all know what doggy style is), and what my PT calls the fork position, which is really hard to describe. The fork is him laying on his side facing me while I lay on my back perpendicular to him with my legs draped over his pelvic area. Honestly, it's hard to tell which position is best at this point. It all feels very stretchy. I can definitely tell that some are less painful on that spot than others, but it's not as much about the position as it is about how I position myself in the position (if that makes sense).
We stay still for several minutes and then we'll do a slow moving in and out. Movement is what causes me the most pain, so when I say slow I mean SLOW movement. We figured out yesterday that if we do a full in and out motion (meaning the penis goes all the way in and almost all the way out) the penis rubs across that sensitive spot of mine, and that if we don't pull the penis out quite as far it helps a lot. As for movement, the easiest position is me on top because I have total control.
I have found myself very sore after these encounters. I have two different kinds of pain: The first pain is more of a stretching type pain. My husband penis is large so it feels very stretchy when it's in my vagina. The second pain is the one spot inside that does not like to be touched. I'm going to try and see if Lidocaine can help with the spot - it has never helped in the past, but maybe that's because my problems were too huge and too numerous to be fixed by Lidocaine. But now that I can pinpoint a specific area of pain, perhaps I can put Lidocaine there and it might help. As for the stretchy pain, I'm hoping that the more we do it, the less it will hurt, just like with dilating. I'm also going to try putting in a Vitamin E suppository after these episodes to try and soothe my sore vagina.
Most importantly we have to make sure that we do this frequently to retrain my vagina (and my head) and I have to not get discouraged when I feel sore. It's part of the process and I have hope that it will get better.
My biggest fear is still that my libido will never come back. This post has been very technical and that's what everything is right now: technical. I understand that at this point I cannot expect to feel desire or pleasure when it still hurts and feels sore, but I am terrified that once the pain goes away I still won't actually want to have sex. I'm trying not to let that fear take over me. I'm trying to focus on the great strides that we have made. I am very encouraged by our progress, but that fear is there, so I'm acknowledging it.
At least an hour before we start I take Valium - this is to calm my mind and help me with the major anticipatory anxiety that I feel about the penis.
I prepare the Penis Insertion Station (I've never really called it that) by laying several towels down on the bed, as well as some hand towels, lubrication, and a large dilator/dildo. The reason for all the towels is that we are using Coconut Oil as our lubricant, by recommendation of my PT, and man is it messy! Oil does not come out in the wash and we don't want to stain our sheets.
A note about the Coconut Oil: I was telling my PT that when I tried keeping the dilator in for long periods of time, it felt like my body was absorbing all the lubricant and then when I pulled the dilator out my vagina was dry and it felt like the dilator was taking some of my skin with it (painful!). So she suggested that using an oil-based lubricant would be better because water-based lubricants will be absorbed by your body at a much faster rate. She suggests Coconut Oil specifically because she says it's all natural and inherently antibacterial. It also smells good, but you can get an unscented kind if you don't like the smell. She also said that using Olive Oil is great too (Coconut Oil is a bit expensive).
Back to the process: I take a warm bath for about 30 minutes and just lay there and read my book and really try to relax all my muscles.
When I get out of the bath it's time for stretching and penis entry. So first I lay down on the towels that are on the bed and my husband uses his finger (lubricated) to go around the pelvic clock and try to work out any tension that I feel in any of my muscles. My PT taught him how to move my legs in different ways so that the muscle is in the best position for relaxation whenever we hit a sensitive spot.
After we've worked on the muscles individually with his finger I will put the largest dilator or my largest vibrating dildo in for a few minutes, just to prepare my vagina for the penis. This also involves a healthy lathering of coconut oil.
After a few minutes I take out the dilator, do some contract/releases, and we insert the penis. We have tried a number of different positions in an effort to minimize hitting a certain spot that is painful for me (top of pelvic clock kind of near urethra). We've tried me on top, spooning on our sides with him behind me, doggy style (why be PC about it - we all know what doggy style is), and what my PT calls the fork position, which is really hard to describe. The fork is him laying on his side facing me while I lay on my back perpendicular to him with my legs draped over his pelvic area. Honestly, it's hard to tell which position is best at this point. It all feels very stretchy. I can definitely tell that some are less painful on that spot than others, but it's not as much about the position as it is about how I position myself in the position (if that makes sense).
We stay still for several minutes and then we'll do a slow moving in and out. Movement is what causes me the most pain, so when I say slow I mean SLOW movement. We figured out yesterday that if we do a full in and out motion (meaning the penis goes all the way in and almost all the way out) the penis rubs across that sensitive spot of mine, and that if we don't pull the penis out quite as far it helps a lot. As for movement, the easiest position is me on top because I have total control.
I have found myself very sore after these encounters. I have two different kinds of pain: The first pain is more of a stretching type pain. My husband penis is large so it feels very stretchy when it's in my vagina. The second pain is the one spot inside that does not like to be touched. I'm going to try and see if Lidocaine can help with the spot - it has never helped in the past, but maybe that's because my problems were too huge and too numerous to be fixed by Lidocaine. But now that I can pinpoint a specific area of pain, perhaps I can put Lidocaine there and it might help. As for the stretchy pain, I'm hoping that the more we do it, the less it will hurt, just like with dilating. I'm also going to try putting in a Vitamin E suppository after these episodes to try and soothe my sore vagina.
Most importantly we have to make sure that we do this frequently to retrain my vagina (and my head) and I have to not get discouraged when I feel sore. It's part of the process and I have hope that it will get better.
My biggest fear is still that my libido will never come back. This post has been very technical and that's what everything is right now: technical. I understand that at this point I cannot expect to feel desire or pleasure when it still hurts and feels sore, but I am terrified that once the pain goes away I still won't actually want to have sex. I'm trying not to let that fear take over me. I'm trying to focus on the great strides that we have made. I am very encouraged by our progress, but that fear is there, so I'm acknowledging it.
Monday, February 1, 2010
What I do at the physical therapist
When I go to the physical therapist we do several things. So far my problem has been diagnosed as vaginismus, although who knows what the heck that means? What we are trying to tackle at the physical therapist is the tightness of my pelvic floor muscles. The tightness is caused by two things: 1- a physical problem (vaginismus? maybe.) and 2- it's also a mental thing. When something try's to go in down there, I can't help but clench. I've been training my body to do it for several years now. I'll take you through an appointment:
First I undress from the waist down and I lay on a giant heating pad for about 10-15 minutes. The heat is supposed to help relax the muscles and I do believe that it does help.
Then the physical therapist comes in and uses an ultrasound machine with a small probe that she puts in my vagina and pushes it around the muscles - they call these muscles the pelvic clock. She goes around the clock holding the ultrasound probe onto the muscles until they relax.
Sometimes she will follow that up with her own finger so that she can feel what the muscles are doing. (See what I mean about other people being down there more than my husband?)
Then I have a lot of homework:
1) Every day I'm supposed to use dilators to do the work that the ultrasound machine does. Dilators are basically different-sized dildos. I use the small one to push on the muscles around the pelvic clock and then I use a larger one for the "prolonged stretch", which is basically just sitting there for 10 minutes with a large dilator in my vagina. This is supposed to help stretch the muscles.
2) I also have to do kegel exercises, but they aren't just your regular kegels. I have to do "quick flicks" and "long holds". Quick flicks are hold for 3 seconds, relax for 3 seconds and long holds are hold for 10 seconds, relax for ten seconds. I have to do each of these about 3 times in about 6 different positions - standing, indian style, laying on my stomach, yoga bridge. You might be thinking, if her vagina's so tight, why is she trying to strengthen her muscles? Well, I have learned that it's important to have strong muscles down there even if you have my problem of clenching too hard because it's just as important to be able to relax those muscles as it is to be able to flex them. So I do the kegels to train my muscles how to relax.
3) I also have to do leg stretches. I know! Why? I am really inflexible and this part is not fun. But all of the muscles in your legs are directly connected to your pelvic floor muscles so it's important to stretch them as well.
Well, I'm exhausted from all this explanation. I hope someone reads this and finds it helpful. Please feel free to comment on the post if you have any questions. Coming next: why I think I need more than a physical therapist - the burning problem.
First I undress from the waist down and I lay on a giant heating pad for about 10-15 minutes. The heat is supposed to help relax the muscles and I do believe that it does help.
Then the physical therapist comes in and uses an ultrasound machine with a small probe that she puts in my vagina and pushes it around the muscles - they call these muscles the pelvic clock. She goes around the clock holding the ultrasound probe onto the muscles until they relax.
Sometimes she will follow that up with her own finger so that she can feel what the muscles are doing. (See what I mean about other people being down there more than my husband?)
Then I have a lot of homework:
1) Every day I'm supposed to use dilators to do the work that the ultrasound machine does. Dilators are basically different-sized dildos. I use the small one to push on the muscles around the pelvic clock and then I use a larger one for the "prolonged stretch", which is basically just sitting there for 10 minutes with a large dilator in my vagina. This is supposed to help stretch the muscles.2) I also have to do kegel exercises, but they aren't just your regular kegels. I have to do "quick flicks" and "long holds". Quick flicks are hold for 3 seconds, relax for 3 seconds and long holds are hold for 10 seconds, relax for ten seconds. I have to do each of these about 3 times in about 6 different positions - standing, indian style, laying on my stomach, yoga bridge. You might be thinking, if her vagina's so tight, why is she trying to strengthen her muscles? Well, I have learned that it's important to have strong muscles down there even if you have my problem of clenching too hard because it's just as important to be able to relax those muscles as it is to be able to flex them. So I do the kegels to train my muscles how to relax.
3) I also have to do leg stretches. I know! Why? I am really inflexible and this part is not fun. But all of the muscles in your legs are directly connected to your pelvic floor muscles so it's important to stretch them as well.
Well, I'm exhausted from all this explanation. I hope someone reads this and finds it helpful. Please feel free to comment on the post if you have any questions. Coming next: why I think I need more than a physical therapist - the burning problem.
It started with a yeast infection.
Well, actually, it would be inaccurate to say a yeast infection. It was more like a hundred yeast infections or one giant unending yeast infection that lasted for over two years. I'm still not sure which.
When I was in college I decided to start having sex with my boyfriend of three years. At first, it was good, and then I got a yeast infection. How was I to know that that yeast infection would still be hurting me 8 years later? We went to different colleges in different states, so I guess I partly didn't realize how serious it was because we hardly ever saw each other anyway. But if I'm being honest, when we were together, I didn't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel rejected, so I continued to have sex with him even though it was very uncomfortable and sometimes painful. We had a long distance relationship for 5 years so I guess I thought I could deal with the discomfort since it happened so infrequently. Little did I know that I was setting myself up for years of pain and sadness later.
After I finished college, I moved in with my boyfriend. And then it became a game of what kind of excuses can I come up with to avoid having sex? It was awful. He felt rejected and confused and I felt like I was broken. At this point it was not just about sex being painful and uncomfortable, now I honestly did not want it at all. I was repulsed by it and had absolutely no sexual desire.
And then we got married. I should point out that my now husband is the most wonderful and supportive person I could ever hope for. Through all of this he has never let me down and has never purposely made me feel guilty for not being able to give him what a wife should be able to give her husband. I don't need him to make me feel guilty, I feel guilty enough on my own. I've been married for two years, I'm in my twenties, and I have absolutely no desire to have sex with my wonderful, handsome husband.
I hope that this blog will help other women out there know that they are not alone. This isn't something that people talk about much and sometimes we even feel like we have to hide it. My husband gets very frustrated with the shame of it all. He says that there's nothing to be ashamed of and it's just like having any other physical problem. Intellectually I agree, but it's still hard to talk about. I am completely heartbroken and I break down crying every time I have to talk about it.
Currently I am seeing a vaginal physical therapist (who knew they existed?), a gynecologist, and a psychologist. I'm also planning on going to see a vaginal pain specialist soon, so I'll let you know what I learn when the time comes. My husband and I go together to the psychologist because she thinks that my non-existent sex drive is an us problem, not a me problem. I'm not sure if I believe that, but I hope it's true. It would be nice for this problem to not be completely about me. My next posts will update you on what I do at the physical therapist and at the psychologist. Hopefully you'll get some helpful information, or at the very least, a virtual shoulder to cry on.
When I was in college I decided to start having sex with my boyfriend of three years. At first, it was good, and then I got a yeast infection. How was I to know that that yeast infection would still be hurting me 8 years later? We went to different colleges in different states, so I guess I partly didn't realize how serious it was because we hardly ever saw each other anyway. But if I'm being honest, when we were together, I didn't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel rejected, so I continued to have sex with him even though it was very uncomfortable and sometimes painful. We had a long distance relationship for 5 years so I guess I thought I could deal with the discomfort since it happened so infrequently. Little did I know that I was setting myself up for years of pain and sadness later.
After I finished college, I moved in with my boyfriend. And then it became a game of what kind of excuses can I come up with to avoid having sex? It was awful. He felt rejected and confused and I felt like I was broken. At this point it was not just about sex being painful and uncomfortable, now I honestly did not want it at all. I was repulsed by it and had absolutely no sexual desire.
And then we got married. I should point out that my now husband is the most wonderful and supportive person I could ever hope for. Through all of this he has never let me down and has never purposely made me feel guilty for not being able to give him what a wife should be able to give her husband. I don't need him to make me feel guilty, I feel guilty enough on my own. I've been married for two years, I'm in my twenties, and I have absolutely no desire to have sex with my wonderful, handsome husband.
I hope that this blog will help other women out there know that they are not alone. This isn't something that people talk about much and sometimes we even feel like we have to hide it. My husband gets very frustrated with the shame of it all. He says that there's nothing to be ashamed of and it's just like having any other physical problem. Intellectually I agree, but it's still hard to talk about. I am completely heartbroken and I break down crying every time I have to talk about it.
Currently I am seeing a vaginal physical therapist (who knew they existed?), a gynecologist, and a psychologist. I'm also planning on going to see a vaginal pain specialist soon, so I'll let you know what I learn when the time comes. My husband and I go together to the psychologist because she thinks that my non-existent sex drive is an us problem, not a me problem. I'm not sure if I believe that, but I hope it's true. It would be nice for this problem to not be completely about me. My next posts will update you on what I do at the physical therapist and at the psychologist. Hopefully you'll get some helpful information, or at the very least, a virtual shoulder to cry on.
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