It has taken me a while to realize just how much my mental state has been affecting things in my life. I knew I was really depressed for a few months and that the depression was really making me feel sad and hopeless all the time. But now that I'm feeling less depressed I realize that it was more than just sadness. Last semester I was hating my job so much that I would imagine getting into car accidents just so I wouldn't have to go to work. My students got on my last nerve every day and I had nothing good to say. I will say that part of that was having the class from hell, but I think a significant part of it was also the fact that I was experimenting with different anti-anxiety drugs, some with drastic and negative side effects. I mean, I can definitely remember that when I was in the height of my Prozac reaction I was more snippy and sarcastic with my students, more mean and more negative. I thought that I was really depressed from about January through mid March, but I really think it started before that and I just didn't realize it because all these drugs confused things. I was taking Prozac around November-December and even though I didn't feel that total hopelessness that I felt in the beginning of 2011, I was definitely in a negative place. I'm wondering if I would have gone into the depression of early 2011 earlier if I hadn't been taking all those drugs at the end of 2010 - even though they had horrible side effects they may have also been staving off the depression. Because after the Prozac episode I went off all the drugs completely for a couple months (those months being January and February). It wasn't until I started taking Zoloft and Tranxene in March that my attitude and mindset started turning around to the positive side of things.
I hate that I have to take a drug to make myself feel better. I mean, I'm certainly glad that it's helping, but I hate that it has to be this way. I just hope that once I get through all this vagina mess maybe I can stop taking the drugs. I just don't want to be on drugs forever.
As for my job, it's still stressful, but I'm dealing with it now. I was seriously considering applying to another school district for a while, but now I feel like I at least want to give this school one more year. I feel like I wasn't in my right mind for much of this school year and maybe jumping into another school isn't really the solution.
I'm certainly not all sunshine and butterflies at his point, but I do feel much better mentally. I still have my sad days and my freak out moments of "will I ever want sex again?", but it's not like it was for the last few months. I do have hope again.
My Botox appointment is set for April 19. Cross your fingers!