It's Not Just About the Vagina (unfortunately)

It has taken me a while to realize just how much my mental state has been affecting things in my life. I knew I was really depressed for a few months and that the depression was really making me feel sad and hopeless all the time. But now that I'm feeling less depressed I realize that it was more than just sadness. Last semester I was hating my job so much that I would imagine getting into car accidents just so I wouldn't have to go to work. My students got on my last nerve every day and I had nothing good to say. I will say that part of that was having the class from hell, but I think a significant part of it was also the fact that I was experimenting with different anti-anxiety drugs, some with drastic and negative side effects. I mean, I can definitely remember that when I was in the height of my Prozac reaction I was more snippy and sarcastic with my students, more mean and more negative. I thought that I was really depressed from about January through mid March, but I really think it started before that and I just didn't realize it because all these drugs confused things. I was taking Prozac around November-December and even though I didn't feel that total hopelessness that I felt in the beginning of 2011, I was definitely in a negative place. I'm wondering if I would have gone into the depression of early 2011 earlier if I hadn't been taking all those drugs at the end of 2010 - even though they had horrible side effects they may have also been staving off the depression. Because after the Prozac episode I went off all the drugs completely for a couple months (those months being January and February). It wasn't until I started taking Zoloft and Tranxene in March that my attitude and mindset started turning around to the positive side of things.

I hate that I have to take a drug to make myself feel better. I mean, I'm certainly glad that it's helping, but I hate that it has to be this way. I just hope that once I get through all this vagina mess maybe I can stop taking the drugs. I just don't want to be on drugs forever.

As for my job, it's still stressful, but I'm dealing with it now. I was seriously considering applying to another school district for a while, but now I feel like I at least want to give this school one more year. I feel like I wasn't in my right mind for much of this school year and maybe jumping into another school isn't really the solution.

I'm certainly not all sunshine and butterflies at his point, but I do feel much better mentally. I still have my sad days and my freak out moments of "will I ever want sex again?", but it's not like it was for the last few months. I do have hope again.

My Botox appointment is set for April 19. Cross your fingers!

I can't think of a good title...

It's been over a month since I've written here.  I've had plenty to write about, but I just haven't had the energy to do it.  I've been feeling pretty down lately.  My vagina started burning again after I was doing so well, which has been really discouraging.  I've regressed not only physically, but mentally.  We were making progress with kissing and naked cuddling and it's like a switch went off in my brain and I have no desire to do any of those things.

My job is very stressful and getting worse.  I teach in an inner-city middle school and my students this year are just crazy.  Every day I have to deal with kids screaming, running around the room, throwing things at each other, cussing each other out, having "shut up" fights (they tell each other to shut up and it keeps going back and forth and getting louder and louder).  I leave work every day just completely drained.  They say that your first year of teaching is the hardest, but that is not the case for me.  This is my third year and it's definitely been the hardest.

So after an exhausting day at work, then I'm supposed to go home and do my dilator exercises and do my stretching and cook dinner and get ready for the next day and somehow find the desire to make out with my husband.  It's all just too much.  And it kills me that making out with my husband isn't a stress reliever, isn't something that I want to do but is just another thing I have to cross off my list.

With all that said, I saw Dr. Goldstein again yesterday.  I still have burning, which is why I made the appointment, but that's not all.  It turns out from my hormone test that the testosterone cream basically did nothing.  My testosterone hasn't really gone up at all even though I went through 2 prescriptions-worth of it.  That is both discouraging and perhaps a good thing.  It's discouraging that my body didn't absorb any of it like it should have. However, that means that maybe there's still a chance of my energy and libido increasing when I finally do get my testosterone where it should be.  This time Dr. G prescribed the stuff that men use - Andro Gel (it's the stuff that cyclists use to get better/faster and then get in trouble with the Tour de France).  So it's stronger and hopefully it will work.  I guess if I start growing chest hair and my voice gets deeper we'll know it's working.

Another disheartening thing we found at the doctor was that my pelvic floor muscles are worse.  Now that is partially because of all the burning - I haven't been doing my dilators like I should.  Now my muscles from 3-9 on the pelvic clock are very tight.  He also said that it's only the artificial muscles close to the opening, not the deeper muscles.  So he wants me back on the Valium suppositories (I felt nothing with these, but he still thinks they might help with PT) and he wants me to be more aggressive with my PT and just push through it if it's burning.  He also mentioned that I could get Botox injections to help speed up PT.  We are going to consider it.  It is expensive, but not so expensive that we won't do it.  But I think we're going to see how this other stuff works first before doing the Botox.

I am also still sensitive right where my urethra is.  Dr G thinks I might have a mild case of Interstitial Cystitis.  He said there is a medication for it, but that he is hesitant to prescribe it because the side effect is depression (and I don't need any more of that).  So I have decided that I am going to try a bladder-friendly diet for a few weeks and see if that makes a difference.  It will be hard because I can't drink green tea or eat chocolate or bananas (the tea and bananas are a daily thing for me and the chocolate is not far behind!).  But I'm going to try it and eventually I can work those foods back in one at a time and if they don't bother me I can continue eating them.  Since we aren't sure about whether I have Interstitial Cystitis and if I do have it, it's a mild case, I figure I should try changing my diet before taking medications or doing other more expensive and invasive treatments.

With all the physical issues I have nothing worries me more than the mental stuff.  I still feel hopeful that we can fix the physical stuff,  but I'm terrified that I will never feel horny again.  I'm terrified that I will never feel like a normal person feels.  My husband described it as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder the other day and I think that's a pretty good way to describe it.  It's like anything remotely to do with sex (like kissing) just makes me automatically put up a road block and want nothing to do with it.

I know I can loosen up my pelvic muscles, I know I can get rid of this burning, but can I ever convince myself that I want to have sex?

Where to start?

I have been so stressed and so jumbled in the head lately that I really don't know where to begin with this entry. 

My last entry described my crazy reaction to Prozac of which I am still feeling the effects.  I still have the rash on my stomach and back and for about a week and a half I had the worst entire-skull headaches of my life.  I mean, my temples, forehead, sinuses, chin, jaw, teeth, cheekbones, everything throbbed.  I actually took a sick day on Tuesday because I was awake all night with a throbbing skull (and that was after taking 2 oxycodones, which hardly did anything).  The headaches are finally subsiding, although still lingering a bit.  My doctor said it would take a few weeks for the Prozac to be fully out of my system.

Another effect of the Prozac was extreme anxiety, nervousness, and figitiness.  In the mornings I would feel like I did the first week of my first year of teaching - just complete terror and nervousness - but without a specific source.  It was awful.  And it brought me down emotionally.  I've had many moments of being in puddles of tears over something and feeling extra sorry for myself.

I can't blame it all on Prozac.  The other big issue is that my vagina burns again.  I am so discouraged and nobody knows what to do.  I have an appointment with Dr. Goldstein in January, but even he's not sure what to do next.  And my physical therapist is trying different things but I don't think the latest is working.  She wants me to put in a smallish dilator and squeeze and release until I can squeeze no more.  I've never actually done it for that long because I could be there for hours.  I could squeeze and release all day.  But I have noticed that every time I do it, my vagina is sore and extra burny for the rest of that day and the following day.  I also have shooting throbs of pain here and there.  I don't think I'll be doing that exercise anymore.  I just can't see any benefit.

Our friends just had their second baby in less than a year.  I am very happy for them (and frightened for them having two kids under the age of 1), but it reminds me of my ever-increasing and impossible-to-fulfill dream of having children.  I am so far removed from the possibility of getting pregnant and it makes me cry as I sit here right now typing this.  I know that there are other ways to get pregnant, but the thought of having to get pregnant using a petri dish is just too much to bear.  Plus, why on earth would we want to have kids now when our sex life (if you can call it that) is so screwed up?  When every waking hour is spent going to appointments, doing dilator exercises, going to work, reading about vagina problems, going to the therapist, and taking lots of baths to soothe my burning vagina?  It doesn't even make sense to try and bring a kid into all that.  But the fact remains that I want to have children.  I know I still have time.  I'm only 28.  But when my vagina is still burning I can't even picture a time when we would even be able to try to get pregnant. 

My life, and my husband and I's life together, is passing us by while we try to fix this thing.  We live in a small apartment which we keep renewing the lease for because we can't make any kind of commitment to buying a house right now.  Why?  Because we can't commit to living here forever.  Why?  Because we had dreams of doing the Peace Corps and living in another country before settling down to buy a house somewhere.  But that dream is over.  We can't do the Peace Corps because of me.  Yes it is possible to live in another country and find the health care that I need, but honestly, that is terrifying.  My husband wants a different career, but he can't even really start to think about what that might be because my vagina holds us here.  It's like we're on a plane that is trying to land but can't, and just continues to circle the runway.  We aren't going anywhere exciting, but we also can't get out and move on with our lives.  We're both stuck.  We want more for ourselves and for each other, but we can't seem to find the motivation to even try.  The vagina is holding us here in this apartment, in this city, in this life.  It's not a bad place to live, but we should choose it because we want it, not because it's the easiest thing for all my problems.

Prozac: what are you doing to me?

I've been taking Prozac for a few weeks now.  I thought it was working, but last week my psychiatrist upped the dose from 20 to 30 mg.  The first day I took the higher dose I had a massive all day and night headache.  Then the second day I took 30 mg I had the headache and I was highly agitated, feeling very nervous, very anxious and jittery.  I also have little red spots on my stomach and back that have been coming for the last few weeks, but I'm just now making the connection to the Prozac (at least I think so).  I've gone back down to 20mg and called my doctor, but I haven't been able to speak to him yet.  I'm still feeling slightly nervous and jittery, still have a little headache and the red spots are still there.  Has anyone out there ever had these types of reactions to Prozac?

I don't know what we'll try next.  It's exhausting trying to find the right medication to make me less anxious - and in the meantime the process making me MORE anxious!

Test Results Are In

I've had lots of tests in the last month and have neglected to update you on their results.

I mentioned that I was going to see my regular doctor to be tested for hypothyroidism because I have so many of the symptoms.  Well, I have no thyroid issues.  So that's good.  I mean, in one way it would help explain my fatigue, but I suppose I'd rather not have a thyroid issue that has to be treated for the rest of my life.  She also tested me for the Epstein Barr virus that I had when I was younger (due to getting Mono when I was 2) and caused my Chronic Fatigue, and the test showed that the EBV is no longer active in my system.  I'm not sure what this means exactly, because I'm still tired, but I no longer have an active EBV in my body.  Yay?

So why am I still tired?  Good question.  No answer really.  My doctor told me that that might just be my life; that it might be my normal.  Well, I told her that was unacceptable - it's not okay for me to be this tired all the time.  She said the normal stuff - some people need 9 hours of sleep a night (me included) and I try, but it's hard to get that much sleep when I have to wake up at 5:30am.  She also said I need to exercise.  Well, as I've said here before and I said to her, how can I exercise when I'm totally exhausted?  It's a never-ending cycle.  But whatever.  Hopefully the other things I'm doing will help with the fatigue.

My hormone results are back and they are still low.  Dr. G wants me to use a systemic testosterone cream for 3 weeks every day and then 3 times per week until I don't know.  Even though my estrogen is still low, he says I'm out of the menopause low and he wants me to stop the Estradiol for now.  I think he's hoping that my own body will pick up the pace after getting a jump start.  He also prescribed the Diazapam suppositories to help relax my pelvic floor muscles.  I will be getting those today so I'll let you know how they go.  I guess I'll do them anally like he recommended because my vagina is so sensitive - but I'm not looking forward to it!  He can't explain the burning that has returned, but he's hoping that the suppositories will help and I've been trying to do more yoga which seems to help too.  I really think that stretching is key - it does make a difference.

My psychiatrist has lowered my Clonazapam to .5mg in the morning and .5mg at night and added 10mg of Prozac in the morning.  We'll see.  This will supposedly help with the fatigue, but it takes longer to get into the system.  I've been taking the Prozac for about 1.5 weeks and I'm still tired, but he said it could take a month.  It also has some scary side effects, but so far all I've noticed is dry mouth.  If it gives me more energy, I'll take dry mouth.

So the Prozac and testosterone are both supposed to help me in the energy department.  I sure hope so.  I'm so tired.  I want to exercise, but I have no energy.  I'm hoping for the best with these drugs.  We'll see how it goes.

It's been over a month - so I guess there's lot to say

I think I'll break it down into categories; I'm organized and anal like that:

Work:
Well the biggest reason that I haven't written anything in a while is because I started back at work on August 30.  And I've been completely exhausted and had way too much to do since then.  When I come home, I just sit in a post-crazy-kids coma I suppose - nothing else left to give blog wise.  I actually have pretty good students this year,  but some of my classes are so BIG!  It's hard not to have drama when all the students are smashed up next to each other, plus we're talking middle school here so there's ALWAYS drama. I only have one class that really makes me stressed - they are 6th graders and the entire 90 minutes they just want to get into yelling matches and say things about each others' mamas and stuff like that.  My psychiatrist told me to take one of those "in the moment" pills before that class.   I did it once and it did seem to help a bit.  I've been trying new stuff this year at work with my students - as a teacher I try to add new things to make myself a better teacher every year.  But this new stuff is eating up my time.  I literally have no time to eat lunch.  During my planning period I scarf down an energy bar while doing other work.  But I like my new changes so I guess I'll keep on scarfing those energy bars - any suggestions for one-handed eating would be great :).

Anxiety:
My  psych. has  raised my Clonazepam dosage to 1 mg in the morning and 1.5 at night.  It's so hard to say whether it's working or not.  Going back to work increases my stress level significantly, so it's hard to gauge the effectiveness of the drug.  I guess we'll just keep experimenting.

Fatigue:
I am tired.  All the time.  Sometimes I'm so tired that I just lay on the couch and don't even want to get up to pee.  A side-effect of Clonazepam is fatigue, but I didn't feel that way until I started back at work.  Honestly, it's probably a combination of the two, but I am just so tired - and that's affecting my progress with the vagina situation.  It's hard to have sexy time with my husband when I'm exhausted and have absolutely no desire to even put any effort toward kissing and "quiet hands".   My husband thinks that I may have hypothyroidism, and after reading the symptoms on Web MD, I might have to agree.  I have ALL of them minus the yellow skin.  So I've made an appointment with my regular doctor to get checked for that.  I can't tell you how excited I am for the possibility of adding  another thing to my list of problems my body has inflicted on me!  Not to mention all the added doctor's appointments and drugs  I'll have to take - that's awesome too!  I have a student who wants me to tutor him after school - well good luck finding one day where I don't have a doctor's appointment that I have to rush off to.

How I FEEL:
My therapist is always trying to get those 'feelings' words out of me.  How do you FEEL?  It's a really hard question sometimes.  I have a hard time expressing how I feel in words - mostly I express it through tears, but then no one else really knows what the problem is.  Well I feel a lot of things.  I  guess what I feel most of the time is  complete exhaustion, but maybe we can't really count that as a real feeling.  I do feel hopeful that we're going in the right direction. We've gotten to the point where my husband is actually touching my vagina between the lips (we call it the "quiet finger" - next up: the "whispering finger" - it's going to move around!).  These may seem insignificant, but each step is emotional for me.

Sometimes I feel hopeless,  but those are just my sad days, and I don't have them too often.  I had one yesterday though, so it's ripe in my mind.  I had sent out some photos of me and some of my friends at the State Fair.  One picture was of my friend's 9 month old baby.  One of my other friends (a college friend who is probably my best friend in the world - and I call her a college friend, but actually I've known her since birth - but she and I are part of a group of 5 college friends who are still really close even though we all live in different states) made a comment on that photo and said "I think you're next!".  I have told those 4 friends about my situation, and I thought I explained it well enough, but I guess they don't get it.  I'm not next.  I can't have babies if I can't have sex.  Comments like that just hurt me because they remind me of what I can't have.  It's hard enough getting questions like "when are you going to have kids" at work from people who have no idea that I have any problems 'down there', but from my best friends?  I was visiting my friends a few weekends ago, and two of the other ones were making similar  comments to me (one of the 5 has a baby - she got married first, then I got married - so I guess that means I'm next for babies).  I guess they just don't get it.  Do I have to explain it again?  It hurts too much.  I was telling my husband about this last night at dinner in a restaurant and I started crying.  I usually avoid topics that make me cry if I'm in a restaurant, but I guess I didn't realize how much it really hurt me.  The truth is, I do want a baby - I'm almost 28 and I'm starting to get those feelings that women get - those yearnings for a child.  But it's impossible right now.  And it makes me so sad.

My husband's brother just graduated from college.  He mentioned that he might apply to the Peace Corps.  If you've read my blog from the beginning, you know that I applied to the Peace Corps and had to withdraw my application because of my vagina.  If my brother-in-law goes through with it I will truly be happy for him and wish him a wonderful experience, but it also just makes my heart hurt.  It's another reminder of a dream that I cannot fulfill.

Sometimes I feel like life is passing me by - I can't fulfill my most coveted dreams because of my vagina.

Learning to Relax

Along my journey of healing my body and mind, I've found out that I just don't know how to relax.  At all.  Yeah I can sit in front of the TV for hours so I thought, hey, not only am I relaxed, but I'm often quite lazy.  But now I realize that I was never really relaxed sitting on that couch; not completely.

There are two types of relaxation - mental and physical.  And frankly, I suck at both.  I've been working really hard lately to learn how to relax (and believe me, I'm not lost on the frustrating oxymoron in that statement).

I honestly think that one of the major things in the way of me just making a full recovery and kicking this problem's ass is that I can't relax.  My mind is buzzing all the time with to do lists, worries, etc.  And my body is always clenched.

Last night I got a massage.  My doctor recommended that I get them regularly to RELAX (best doctor prescription ever).  I do love massages, but am I relaxed during them?  Well, sort of.  I try so hard to let my whole body just melt into the table (there's that annoying oxymoron again).  But I've noticed something each time I get a massage.  I can let my whole body melt into the table, except for two parts - my pelvic muscles (no surprise) and my hands.  I am constantly realizing during my hour-long massage that my hands are clenched as are my PC muscles.  And I have to consciously let them go over and over again.  I also have trouble relaxing my mind.  I'm supposed to focus on breathing and focus on whatever muscle the massage therapist is working on at the time.  I try, but I inevitably find my mind wandering to all sorts of different things - what's on my to do list tomorrow, which book should I check out from the library next, what should I do with my one week of remaining summer break?  I actually started composing this blog entry in my mind during my massage last night!  And in between all these thoughts, I'm like, hey!  Stop it!  You shouldn't be making lists or composing blog entries!  You're supposed to be relaxed - 'in the moment'.  And then I have to unclench my hands and my vagina once again.  And I go through this pattern during the whole massage.  I can get my mind "in the moment" for about 5 seconds before it goes off somewhere else.  Don't get me wrong, I love getting massages, they feel great.  But damn, can't I just let go for one hour once a month?

I've also been doing (or trying to do) yoga more often lately.  My PT is a big proponent of yoga because stretching is essential to healing those pelvic floor muscles.  The reason I say "trying" to do yoga is that I am the most inflexible person you will ever meet.  If I tried to touch my toes, I'd get to about halfway down my shin, and that's on a good day.  And let me tell you, when we go into downward dog and the yoga instructor says that this should be a relaxing and recuperative pose, I get quite irked because it is one of the hardest things in yoga for me to do.  But I'm trying.  I can't do regular yoga, it's too hard - I'm just not bendy enough.  But the YMCA does offer one Gentle Yoga class so I go to that every week (I'm the only person there under the age of 60).  I've ordered some gentle yoga DVDs to supplement and they're okay.  I guess they'll do.  I prefer doing it "live".  I also ordered a DVD that is called pelvic floor yoga so I'm looking forward to what that might have in store for me.  But again, with yoga, my mind is everywhere.  You're supposed to be focused on your breathing, in some magical yogic place, but most of the time my mind is jumping and spinning and doing things that my inflexible body could only dream of.  There was one time in yoga class - we were in savasana and then 5 minutes later I heard the instructor's voice.  I had actually left my mind during those 5 minutes!  I don't know where I went, but let me tell you, when I "awoke" it was incredible.  I really did feel so relaxed and at peace.  I've been trying to get back to that place ever since.  And maybe that's the problem.  I try so hard to relax that it's impossible.

I'm also taking anti-anxiety meds.  I so hope that these will help me relax.  That is what they're for, right?  We're still in the dosage faze, trying to get me to the right dosage that makes me relaxed but doesn't put me to sleep.  I think we're getting closer, but my mind still runs a million miles an hour most of the time.  I'm looking forward to having nothing on my mind.  Just for a few minutes here and there.  Is that possible?

I'm feeling a bit discouraged...

And hopefully it won't last.  But here are the reasons why:

• When I do my dilator exercises lately or I go to PT, I leave just feeling like my vagina has taken a beating.  I'm sore.  And maybe that's okay to be sore when you're working a muscle, but it's still not a pleasant feeling.  And I was so confident that I would just fly through PT this time because the atrophy in my vestibule is so much better, but I guess maybe I was a little over confident.
• The random burning has returned.  It's not nearly what it used to be, but still, I thought I was done with that.  So now I have to take breaks from the Estradiol sometimes when the burning gets to be too much, which then makes me think that I am prolonging the healing of the atrophy.
• I haven't had my period in two months.  Some may say this is a good thing because I haven't had to deal with all the crap that comes with a period, but it makes me feel worried.  I have always had a regular period, on or off birth control, until this last time that I went off BC.  I stopped taking it in March and ever since then my period has been erratic.  You'd think that now that I'm getting my hormones closer to where they should be that my period would be more regular, but so far that is not the case at all.  And every now and then I'll feel crampy or moody and think, okay, my period is finally coming, but then it doesn't.
• My psychiatrist continues to increase my dosage of Clonazepam (anti-anxiety) because I still haven't felt any decrease in anxiety.  I'm up to .5 mg in the morning and 1 mg in the evening.  But how am I really supposed to know?  It's not going to be some magical change is it?  How do I know whether I'm feeling less anxiety now than I did when I started taking the drug 5 weeks ago?  Can someone tell me how I'm supposed to feel with less anxiety?  I've felt this way for so long I don't know how to recognize non-anxiety.
• All of this has also decreased my desire to even try doing intimate things with my husband.  We're supposed to do a version of the naked cuddle most days (whether it be full-blown with emotional stretching or just a quicky), but I just haven't been in the mood lately.  I think it's just because I've been a bit down lately.

The other day when we did a naked cuddle I just started crying.  I couldn't explain why, I couldn't describe my emotions (I'm famous for this in therapy - I'm never able to verbalize how I feel and why the tears flow).  It always takes me a while to realize why I was crying several days before.  And now after writing all this down I guess I realize that I was crying because of all of the above.  I'm just discouraged.  I'm hoping that it's just a temporary thing.  I know that PT can go up and down - one day it's great and the next it's painful.  I guess I'm just ready to be done with all this.  I feel like I'm getting so close, but then a PT appointment makes me sore and it feels like a step back.  Maybe I'm just putting too much pressure on myself.

I do still have hope.

Another doctor added to my Medical Team

Well I have just returned from my first appointment with a psychiatrist.  As I've mentioned before, my therapist really thinks that anti-anxiety medicine might be very helpful for me in just trying to calm myself down during this process.  The appointment wasn't as horrible as I was anticipating.  I did cry of course, because I can't get through anything without crying.  Hey, maybe the drugs will help with that.  That would be wonderful.  I hate the fact that I can't get through any kind of serious conversation without breaking into tears.

He asked me a lot of questions, had me rate my anxiety level now compared to before I had all these vagina problems, and he determined that I should indeed try out some drugs.  He actually wants me to try two!  This is like whoa because I've never taken any kind of mind-altering drug before.  The first one is called Clonazepam and it's for my general anxiety and it supposed to work more long-term.  He also gave me a prescription for another one (forgot the name) that is for anticipatory anxiety.  I'm supposed to take this 30 minutes to an hour before I do something that causes me high anxiety, in my case anything sex related.  We'll see how helpful this is right now considering that we are nowhere near having any kind of sex, but I do think that it could be really helpful later on when we start trying to have sex.

The doctor seems very confident that the drugs will help lower my anxiety and I'm anxious (ha!) to see how it goes.  I've never really been a big fan of the idea of taking any kind of drugs, but it really would be nice not to feel this tension and nervousness all the time.  He said it would take about a week for me to feel any difference and I have a follow-up appointment in two weeks.  I'm hopeful that it will help me out.  I'll let you all know how it goes.

Tomorrow I go back to Dr. Goldstein so I'll also write a post about that soon.

My vagina is killing my dreams

When I was a freshman in college, a former Peace Corps volunteer came to one of my classes and told us about her experience volunteering. Ever since then I have wanted to join the Peace Corps. I knew it was a big decision and I did a lot of thinking about it. I also wanted my husband to go with me, so we waited until we got married to talk about applying. Seven years after that first inspiration, my desire to go was even stronger, and we finally took the first steps in applying to the Peace Corps.

We applied in November 2008 and everything was looking great. Our interview went really well and finally in March we heard back that we had been accepted and we even knew what part of the world we would be going to. We were told that we would be leaving in March 2010. I was going to teach English and my husband was going to do something with business. Of course, being "accepted" to the Peace Corps does not mean that you are going to go. Then come the medical and legal evaluations. At the time that I filled out the medical evaluation (which is incredibly in depth and takes about a month) I was actually in remission with my vagina problem (well to be honest, I was more in denial than in remission, but on paper, I was in remission) so my medical part was fine. It took forever, but finally in August we heard back from medical that there were a few things missing. Okay, we went in search of these things. In the meantime, though, we started to really think about my vaginal issues. We started seeing the psychologist and I started going back to the physical therapist because my problem had never really been solved the first time. We were both stressing and worrying about the Peace Corps and our time limit in getting this vagina problem solved, but neither of us said anything for a long time. I think we were both afraid that saying it would make it real and that we would have to make some hard decisions.

Well we finally had to face reality. This problem does not care about my time constraints. This problem does not care that I want to live in another country for 2 years. We finally had to decide that we just could not do the Peace Corps right now because we have got to solve this vagina problem first. It was one of the hardest decisions that I have ever had to deal with. I know that it's the right decision because I certainly don't want my problem to get worse in a country with limited health care, and I know that for our relationship it is a priority to fix this problem. But I am heartbroken. I have been dreaming about the Peace Corps for 8 years and now my dream is over. The time was now. There is no other time. It's not like we can wait a few years and apply again. In a few years we want to have kids, we want to have a house. The time is now. And it's ruined.

I just can't believe that with all the problems my vagina has caused: pain, no sex, no desire to have sex, low self-esteem, frustration, stress - that it still hasn't stopped. Now it's the reason that I cannot fulfill one of my lifetime dreams. I am so devastated and I don't know if I will ever get over it.

My husband and I talk about perhaps still moving to another country once this problem is fixed, and without the constraints of the Peace Corps. We could have kids and still live in another country. But it's not the same. I wanted the developing country experience. I wanted to learn about how people live in poorer countries. I wanted to help people. And even if we did move to another country at some point, it would not be the Peace Corps experience. My husband says that it seems like I don't even want to do that anymore, and I'm not sure I do. It's like my dream has been ruined and there's no way to get it back. Plus, I guess I'm afraid to get my hopes up again. I mean, what if we decide that in 2 years we're going to move to Switzerland? What if in 2 years I'm still struggling with this problem and it's still not a good time to go? I do not want to deal with this heartbreak again.

Anxiety medicine?

We also went to the psychologist last night. Lately we've been talking about how much anxiety I feel surrounding this whole ordeal. I get so upset that it's hard for me to talk and I just break down into a crying mess. The best way to explain it is a feeling of pressure. When I get really upset, I feel like there's all this pressure in my body - my chest, my throat, my head. It just feels like there's something pushing me from the inside out and it just wants to burst. Apparently this is called anxiety.

I was resistant at first when anxiety medicine was mentioned. I don't like the idea of taking a drug that alters my mind; that is scary to me. I also worry about what kind of side effects the drug might have, and wouldn't it be the worst thing ever if this drug had some kind of side effect that made the whole vagina problem worse? But my therapist convinced me that we would talk to the vaginal pain specialist about it before doing anything so that he can make sure to prescribe a drug that does not have those specific side effects. She also talked to me about the fact that it might just help me be able to get through this better. I mean it would be nice not to feel like I'm going to explode from the inside out every time someone tries to talk to me about this problem.

It would be nice to feel a little less worried all the time about what if I never get fixed? What if I can't have children? What if my husband is stuck with me forever because he loves me so he wouldn't leave me, but he'd live a life that is sexually and intimately unfulfilled? It would be nice to feel a little less of all of that. It's a lot for one person to worry about all the time.

So anyway, if the doctor agrees, I am willing to try the anti-anxiety medicine. I'll let you know how it goes.