It's Not Just About the Vagina (unfortunately)

It has taken me a while to realize just how much my mental state has been affecting things in my life. I knew I was really depressed for a few months and that the depression was really making me feel sad and hopeless all the time. But now that I'm feeling less depressed I realize that it was more than just sadness. Last semester I was hating my job so much that I would imagine getting into car accidents just so I wouldn't have to go to work. My students got on my last nerve every day and I had nothing good to say. I will say that part of that was having the class from hell, but I think a significant part of it was also the fact that I was experimenting with different anti-anxiety drugs, some with drastic and negative side effects. I mean, I can definitely remember that when I was in the height of my Prozac reaction I was more snippy and sarcastic with my students, more mean and more negative. I thought that I was really depressed from about January through mid March, but I really think it started before that and I just didn't realize it because all these drugs confused things. I was taking Prozac around November-December and even though I didn't feel that total hopelessness that I felt in the beginning of 2011, I was definitely in a negative place. I'm wondering if I would have gone into the depression of early 2011 earlier if I hadn't been taking all those drugs at the end of 2010 - even though they had horrible side effects they may have also been staving off the depression. Because after the Prozac episode I went off all the drugs completely for a couple months (those months being January and February). It wasn't until I started taking Zoloft and Tranxene in March that my attitude and mindset started turning around to the positive side of things.

I hate that I have to take a drug to make myself feel better. I mean, I'm certainly glad that it's helping, but I hate that it has to be this way. I just hope that once I get through all this vagina mess maybe I can stop taking the drugs. I just don't want to be on drugs forever.

As for my job, it's still stressful, but I'm dealing with it now. I was seriously considering applying to another school district for a while, but now I feel like I at least want to give this school one more year. I feel like I wasn't in my right mind for much of this school year and maybe jumping into another school isn't really the solution.

I'm certainly not all sunshine and butterflies at his point, but I do feel much better mentally. I still have my sad days and my freak out moments of "will I ever want sex again?", but it's not like it was for the last few months. I do have hope again.

My Botox appointment is set for April 19. Cross your fingers!

My vagina is killing my dreams

When I was a freshman in college, a former Peace Corps volunteer came to one of my classes and told us about her experience volunteering. Ever since then I have wanted to join the Peace Corps. I knew it was a big decision and I did a lot of thinking about it. I also wanted my husband to go with me, so we waited until we got married to talk about applying. Seven years after that first inspiration, my desire to go was even stronger, and we finally took the first steps in applying to the Peace Corps.

We applied in November 2008 and everything was looking great. Our interview went really well and finally in March we heard back that we had been accepted and we even knew what part of the world we would be going to. We were told that we would be leaving in March 2010. I was going to teach English and my husband was going to do something with business. Of course, being "accepted" to the Peace Corps does not mean that you are going to go. Then come the medical and legal evaluations. At the time that I filled out the medical evaluation (which is incredibly in depth and takes about a month) I was actually in remission with my vagina problem (well to be honest, I was more in denial than in remission, but on paper, I was in remission) so my medical part was fine. It took forever, but finally in August we heard back from medical that there were a few things missing. Okay, we went in search of these things. In the meantime, though, we started to really think about my vaginal issues. We started seeing the psychologist and I started going back to the physical therapist because my problem had never really been solved the first time. We were both stressing and worrying about the Peace Corps and our time limit in getting this vagina problem solved, but neither of us said anything for a long time. I think we were both afraid that saying it would make it real and that we would have to make some hard decisions.

Well we finally had to face reality. This problem does not care about my time constraints. This problem does not care that I want to live in another country for 2 years. We finally had to decide that we just could not do the Peace Corps right now because we have got to solve this vagina problem first. It was one of the hardest decisions that I have ever had to deal with. I know that it's the right decision because I certainly don't want my problem to get worse in a country with limited health care, and I know that for our relationship it is a priority to fix this problem. But I am heartbroken. I have been dreaming about the Peace Corps for 8 years and now my dream is over. The time was now. There is no other time. It's not like we can wait a few years and apply again. In a few years we want to have kids, we want to have a house. The time is now. And it's ruined.

I just can't believe that with all the problems my vagina has caused: pain, no sex, no desire to have sex, low self-esteem, frustration, stress - that it still hasn't stopped. Now it's the reason that I cannot fulfill one of my lifetime dreams. I am so devastated and I don't know if I will ever get over it.

My husband and I talk about perhaps still moving to another country once this problem is fixed, and without the constraints of the Peace Corps. We could have kids and still live in another country. But it's not the same. I wanted the developing country experience. I wanted to learn about how people live in poorer countries. I wanted to help people. And even if we did move to another country at some point, it would not be the Peace Corps experience. My husband says that it seems like I don't even want to do that anymore, and I'm not sure I do. It's like my dream has been ruined and there's no way to get it back. Plus, I guess I'm afraid to get my hopes up again. I mean, what if we decide that in 2 years we're going to move to Switzerland? What if in 2 years I'm still struggling with this problem and it's still not a good time to go? I do not want to deal with this heartbreak again.