It's been a couple weeks since I got the Botox injections in my Pubococcygeus and my Puborectalis muscles. It is really hard to tell what's happening down there, but I think that it has made my muscles more relaxed. It's easiest to feel this when either the PT is working down there or my husband is helping me dilate. When I do it myself it's harder to tell any difference, but when they do it, I (and they) can tell that the muscles aren't as resistant. So that's good news and hopefully a good sign for things to come.
My therapist recently went to a seminar for sexual pain and among the doctors there were Dr. Goldstein and also Dr. Pacik. She spoke to both of them about me. I have never seen Dr. Pacik, but she wanted his opinion on what to do after getting botoxed. His procedure is very different from Dr. G's. Dr. Pacik puts the patient to sleep to administer the Botox and when she wakes up she has a dilator in her vagina. Now this is usually for cases that are much more extreme than mine - I can get a dilator in my vagina with no problem and no anesthesia. However, Dr. Pacik feels strongly that women with any level of pelvic pain should have a dilator inside for many hours each day. I believe his theory is that having the dilator inside for that long will help to retrain the muscles and get them used to having something in there. He feels strongly that this is part of the process. Dr. Goldstein, on the other hand, thinks this is a bunch of malarkey. But my therapist thought there was no harm in giving it a try so I talked to my PT about it and she said to go ahead and try it (my PT had never heard of doing these extended dilations before).
The longest I've been able to stand having the dilator inside is about 40 minutes. It's actually harder than I thought it would be. I thought I could just lay there and keep that dilator in there for a long time with just slight discomfort. But it actually becomes more and more painful the longer it stays in. At first I tried it with the largest dilator, but it pushes in the top spot that is very tender for me (12 o'clock on the inside - basically where the G-spot is, where the urethra is as well). So I tried going a size down. This helped a little, but it's still painful. Another problem is that it really hurts to pull it out after having it in there for so long, even though I've lubed it up like crazy. It's like my body absorbs the lube and by the time I pull it out there's really none left. Yesterday I tried relubing every 5 minutes or so, but it still felt painful every time I pulled it out. I guess I'll try the extended dilation a few more times, but as of right now I feel like it's causing more pain than actually helping.
My hormones were retested a couple weeks ago and my testosterone is finally within the normal range. However I have to keep using the Androgel - 1/2 gram rubbed on thigh each day - indefinitely. Dr. G's nurse said that some people have to keep using it forever to maintain the right levels, while others are able to wean off of it eventually. I didn't realize this, and although it's not a huge deal, I really don't like the idea of having to put T gel on my legs every day for the rest of my life. It makes me hairy and pimply. If it actually gave me a sex drive I might say that it's a fair trade, but it doesn't so I'm not feeling the motivation to do this forever. Hopefully it won't be forever.
Showing posts with label testosterone. Show all posts
Showing posts with label testosterone. Show all posts
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Updates
I'm still working on getting everything straight with the Botox. My insurance and Dr. Goldstein's office are calling back and forth and it should all be worked out in the next week or so. Then I'll make the appointment.
I've started on two new drugs for my anxiety and depression. I'm taking 25 mg of Zoloft once a day and 7.5 mg of Tranxene (1/2 in the morning and 1 whole at night). I started on the Tranxene doing 1/2 in the morning and 1/2 at night, but now I've gone up a bit. When I first started taking the drugs I got those bad headaches that I got when I took the Prozac. The worst of the headaches was about two days after I first started taking Zoloft and they slowly tapered off for about 2 weeks. I'm happy to say that I am rid of them now. Otherwise I would not still be taking that drug. I am actually feeling a lot better - what a relief! I'm in a better mood, I don't feel so depressed all the time, and I've noticed that I have more patience with my students too. I'm also sleeping better (and having crazy dreams, which are always fun). I'm encouraged that I'm finally taking some drugs that seem to be helping; I just hope they continue to help and don't end up making me crazy like Prozac did.
My husband and I are starting to try and get back to some intimate activities, like a 10 second kiss (sorry if that's too racy for you!) and maybe some massaging and things like that. Hopefully now that my mental state is in a better place I'll be able to progress in the intimacy part more quickly. I also want to be able to try sex one I get the Botox because that's really the whole point. I feel like we are so far from sex, but like my therapist says, I'm not going to want it until I have proof that it doesn't hurt.
It turns out that the AndroGel did do its job. Apparently I now have too much testosterone and Dr. G wants me to use half the amount I was using for a while. I'm not sure why I shouldn't just stop using it if my T is too high, but I do what the doctor tells me. I'm actually a little disappointed that my testosterone is high because I was hoping that it would make me super horny and full of energy - it did not. It did, however, give me lots of acne.
But I'm feeling more optimistic these days and I hope that the feeling continues. Being depressed sucks.
I've started on two new drugs for my anxiety and depression. I'm taking 25 mg of Zoloft once a day and 7.5 mg of Tranxene (1/2 in the morning and 1 whole at night). I started on the Tranxene doing 1/2 in the morning and 1/2 at night, but now I've gone up a bit. When I first started taking the drugs I got those bad headaches that I got when I took the Prozac. The worst of the headaches was about two days after I first started taking Zoloft and they slowly tapered off for about 2 weeks. I'm happy to say that I am rid of them now. Otherwise I would not still be taking that drug. I am actually feeling a lot better - what a relief! I'm in a better mood, I don't feel so depressed all the time, and I've noticed that I have more patience with my students too. I'm also sleeping better (and having crazy dreams, which are always fun). I'm encouraged that I'm finally taking some drugs that seem to be helping; I just hope they continue to help and don't end up making me crazy like Prozac did.
My husband and I are starting to try and get back to some intimate activities, like a 10 second kiss (sorry if that's too racy for you!) and maybe some massaging and things like that. Hopefully now that my mental state is in a better place I'll be able to progress in the intimacy part more quickly. I also want to be able to try sex one I get the Botox because that's really the whole point. I feel like we are so far from sex, but like my therapist says, I'm not going to want it until I have proof that it doesn't hurt.
It turns out that the AndroGel did do its job. Apparently I now have too much testosterone and Dr. G wants me to use half the amount I was using for a while. I'm not sure why I shouldn't just stop using it if my T is too high, but I do what the doctor tells me. I'm actually a little disappointed that my testosterone is high because I was hoping that it would make me super horny and full of energy - it did not. It did, however, give me lots of acne.
But I'm feeling more optimistic these days and I hope that the feeling continues. Being depressed sucks.
Friday, January 21, 2011
I can't think of a good title...
It's been over a month since I've written here. I've had plenty to write about, but I just haven't had the energy to do it. I've been feeling pretty down lately. My vagina started burning again after I was doing so well, which has been really discouraging. I've regressed not only physically, but mentally. We were making progress with kissing and naked cuddling and it's like a switch went off in my brain and I have no desire to do any of those things.
My job is very stressful and getting worse. I teach in an inner-city middle school and my students this year are just crazy. Every day I have to deal with kids screaming, running around the room, throwing things at each other, cussing each other out, having "shut up" fights (they tell each other to shut up and it keeps going back and forth and getting louder and louder). I leave work every day just completely drained. They say that your first year of teaching is the hardest, but that is not the case for me. This is my third year and it's definitely been the hardest.
So after an exhausting day at work, then I'm supposed to go home and do my dilator exercises and do my stretching and cook dinner and get ready for the next day and somehow find the desire to make out with my husband. It's all just too much. And it kills me that making out with my husband isn't a stress reliever, isn't something that I want to do but is just another thing I have to cross off my list.
With all that said, I saw Dr. Goldstein again yesterday. I still have burning, which is why I made the appointment, but that's not all. It turns out from my hormone test that the testosterone cream basically did nothing. My testosterone hasn't really gone up at all even though I went through 2 prescriptions-worth of it. That is both discouraging and perhaps a good thing. It's discouraging that my body didn't absorb any of it like it should have. However, that means that maybe there's still a chance of my energy and libido increasing when I finally do get my testosterone where it should be. This time Dr. G prescribed the stuff that men use - Andro Gel (it's the stuff that cyclists use to get better/faster and then get in trouble with the Tour de France). So it's stronger and hopefully it will work. I guess if I start growing chest hair and my voice gets deeper we'll know it's working.
Another disheartening thing we found at the doctor was that my pelvic floor muscles are worse. Now that is partially because of all the burning - I haven't been doing my dilators like I should. Now my muscles from 3-9 on the pelvic clock are very tight. He also said that it's only the artificial muscles close to the opening, not the deeper muscles. So he wants me back on the Valium suppositories (I felt nothing with these, but he still thinks they might help with PT) and he wants me to be more aggressive with my PT and just push through it if it's burning. He also mentioned that I could get Botox injections to help speed up PT. We are going to consider it. It is expensive, but not so expensive that we won't do it. But I think we're going to see how this other stuff works first before doing the Botox.
I am also still sensitive right where my urethra is. Dr G thinks I might have a mild case of Interstitial Cystitis. He said there is a medication for it, but that he is hesitant to prescribe it because the side effect is depression (and I don't need any more of that). So I have decided that I am going to try a bladder-friendly diet for a few weeks and see if that makes a difference. It will be hard because I can't drink green tea or eat chocolate or bananas (the tea and bananas are a daily thing for me and the chocolate is not far behind!). But I'm going to try it and eventually I can work those foods back in one at a time and if they don't bother me I can continue eating them. Since we aren't sure about whether I have Interstitial Cystitis and if I do have it, it's a mild case, I figure I should try changing my diet before taking medications or doing other more expensive and invasive treatments.
With all the physical issues I have nothing worries me more than the mental stuff. I still feel hopeful that we can fix the physical stuff, but I'm terrified that I will never feel horny again. I'm terrified that I will never feel like a normal person feels. My husband described it as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder the other day and I think that's a pretty good way to describe it. It's like anything remotely to do with sex (like kissing) just makes me automatically put up a road block and want nothing to do with it.
I know I can loosen up my pelvic muscles, I know I can get rid of this burning, but can I ever convince myself that I want to have sex?
My job is very stressful and getting worse. I teach in an inner-city middle school and my students this year are just crazy. Every day I have to deal with kids screaming, running around the room, throwing things at each other, cussing each other out, having "shut up" fights (they tell each other to shut up and it keeps going back and forth and getting louder and louder). I leave work every day just completely drained. They say that your first year of teaching is the hardest, but that is not the case for me. This is my third year and it's definitely been the hardest.
So after an exhausting day at work, then I'm supposed to go home and do my dilator exercises and do my stretching and cook dinner and get ready for the next day and somehow find the desire to make out with my husband. It's all just too much. And it kills me that making out with my husband isn't a stress reliever, isn't something that I want to do but is just another thing I have to cross off my list.
With all that said, I saw Dr. Goldstein again yesterday. I still have burning, which is why I made the appointment, but that's not all. It turns out from my hormone test that the testosterone cream basically did nothing. My testosterone hasn't really gone up at all even though I went through 2 prescriptions-worth of it. That is both discouraging and perhaps a good thing. It's discouraging that my body didn't absorb any of it like it should have. However, that means that maybe there's still a chance of my energy and libido increasing when I finally do get my testosterone where it should be. This time Dr. G prescribed the stuff that men use - Andro Gel (it's the stuff that cyclists use to get better/faster and then get in trouble with the Tour de France). So it's stronger and hopefully it will work. I guess if I start growing chest hair and my voice gets deeper we'll know it's working.
Another disheartening thing we found at the doctor was that my pelvic floor muscles are worse. Now that is partially because of all the burning - I haven't been doing my dilators like I should. Now my muscles from 3-9 on the pelvic clock are very tight. He also said that it's only the artificial muscles close to the opening, not the deeper muscles. So he wants me back on the Valium suppositories (I felt nothing with these, but he still thinks they might help with PT) and he wants me to be more aggressive with my PT and just push through it if it's burning. He also mentioned that I could get Botox injections to help speed up PT. We are going to consider it. It is expensive, but not so expensive that we won't do it. But I think we're going to see how this other stuff works first before doing the Botox.
I am also still sensitive right where my urethra is. Dr G thinks I might have a mild case of Interstitial Cystitis. He said there is a medication for it, but that he is hesitant to prescribe it because the side effect is depression (and I don't need any more of that). So I have decided that I am going to try a bladder-friendly diet for a few weeks and see if that makes a difference. It will be hard because I can't drink green tea or eat chocolate or bananas (the tea and bananas are a daily thing for me and the chocolate is not far behind!). But I'm going to try it and eventually I can work those foods back in one at a time and if they don't bother me I can continue eating them. Since we aren't sure about whether I have Interstitial Cystitis and if I do have it, it's a mild case, I figure I should try changing my diet before taking medications or doing other more expensive and invasive treatments.
With all the physical issues I have nothing worries me more than the mental stuff. I still feel hopeful that we can fix the physical stuff, but I'm terrified that I will never feel horny again. I'm terrified that I will never feel like a normal person feels. My husband described it as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder the other day and I think that's a pretty good way to describe it. It's like anything remotely to do with sex (like kissing) just makes me automatically put up a road block and want nothing to do with it.
I know I can loosen up my pelvic muscles, I know I can get rid of this burning, but can I ever convince myself that I want to have sex?
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