Thursday, May 20, 2010


It's been a while since I wrote anything on this blog.  I guess I just wasn't in the mood.  But I do have some updates.

I started using the Estradiol gel about 6 weeks ago.  I'm supposed to apply it to the vestibule twice a day.  At first, I couldn't do it that frequently.  It burned and itched like crazy.  I was applying it three times on, one time off for a while, but it was still bothering me.  Finally, I called the doctor to find out if there was anything I could do to relieve the discomfort.  He told me to lower the frequency because the last thing he wanted was for it to become unbearable to me.  I asked him about using Vitamin E down there, but he said he really didn't want me putting anything down there except for the Estradiol.  So anyway, I don't know what happened, but it's like all I needed to do was talk to him and the irritation basically stopped!  It's so weird.  But it really doesn't bother me at all now.  So I've been applying it twice a day for several weeks now.  I guess I just needed to build up a bit of resistance for it.

On a possibly related note, you might remember that I was on my period (blah!) when I saw Dr. Goldstein 6 weeks ago, but the weird thing is that I haven't had my period since!  I stopped taking birth control about 9 months ago, but BC or no BC, my period has always been very regular.  I can only remember maybe one other time in my life when my period was this late.  Is it just a coincidence or could it be related to the fact that I'm putting hormone gel on my vagina?  If anything, I would think that the attempt to bring my hormone levels back to normal would help in making my period more regular because that's part of their job.  I dont' know, it's weird.  I keep feeling like I'm having cramps, so I put in a pad expecting it to start any minute, and then nothing.  I don't know what's going on with that.  In the back of my mind I'm thinking, okay well I'm going to Italy in a month so maybe if my period can wait another week or two I won't have to deal with it while I'm overseas.  But hey, do our periods ever choose the convenient option?  I don't think so!

On the emotional side, we are making slow, but steady, progress.  We have moved up to having genitals back in the picture.  Whoa!  It's been a long time.  We are doing what the therapist calls the "quiet hand".  This is where I place my husband's hand on the vagina area and he just rests it there.  No rubbing, no insertion of anything, it just lays there.  You wouldn't believe how emotional the first time made me.  It seems so simple, but it was really hard for me.  I don't know why.  I trust my husband completely; I knew he wouldn't go any further than what we agreed, but I was still scared.  I have built up some serious fear in my head through all of this.  After the first time we tried the quiet hand, I burst into tears.  At first I was disappointed that I didn't feel any kind of desirous feelings; even though I knew there was no possible way I would, it was still sad to me that I still can't feel that.  But we've done the quiet hand a couple more times and it's much better now.   Slow baby steps.

Lastly, Dr. G said that I wouldn't feel any difference with the Estradiol for at least 6 weeks.  Well it's been 6 weeks.  Sadly I do not feel any more horny at all.  I guess that part takes longer.  But I will say that my vagina is more moist these days.  Not a turned-on kind of moist, but just a general moistness.  So I guess that gel is doing something.