A Memoir About Vaginal Pain

Yes,  it does exist.  I had never heard of it until looking at Feminists With Female Sexual Dysfunction and seeing a book review about it.  The book is called The Camera My Mother Gave Me by Susanna Kaysen.  If you want a thorough book review, go to K's blog, because she does a much better job than I would if I tried.  I just wanted to reflect on a few things that affected me personally about the book.

What's exciting about it is that it is actually a real personal account of a woman's experience dealing with Vulvodynia(?), (not sure, she had a lot of diagnoses).  I never knew a book like this existed.  It is hard to read though, so be warned.  She's very blunt and doesn't leave out the gory, sad, horrendous details.  She describes her many-years-long search of "What is wrong with me?", as so many of us have asked over and over.  She sees countless doctors, healers, alternative medicine people, and they all tell her to do something different - usually something that makes her pain worse.  The most disturbing thing to me about all the "doctors" she saw is that most of them told her to keep having sex with her boyfriend - that it would help.  What the hell?!  She had stabbing, horrible pain when she had sex that lasted for days afterward and they thought it would help?  It flashed me back to all the incompetent doctors I went to and I could completely understand her frustration.

The hardest parts of the book for me to read were her interactions with her boyfriend.  He was completely unsympathetic to her pain and all he cared about was having sex all the time.  He would get mad at her that she wasn't trying to fix it (wasn't trying to fix it?  she went to at least one doctor appointment a week trying to fix it!).  Or he'd be mad because she wasn't doing something that a doctor prescribed - BECAUSE IT MADE THE PAIN WORSE!.  He coerced her into having sex or giving him blow jobs even though she had lost all desire (big surprise - pain does not equal more desire).  And then he would accuse her of not loving him enough because if he was in pain he would still have sex with her and do anything to make her happy.  UGH!  It infuriated me!  She used words like "cheese grater" to describe her pain when she had sex.  Did he REALLY think that if his penis felt like a cheese grater he would still be having sex?

My husband called me as I was on my way home from work the day after I had finished this book.  I was telling him about it and I just burst into tears.  I told him about this girl's awful boyfriend and how sad it made me.  And how it just reinforced my love and appreciation for my own husband's constant support and non-pressure.  He doesn't want to have sex with me if it hurts me.  That's not a turn-on for him.  You'd think that most men would feel that way.  I have all these horrible issues - Vestibulodynia, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, fear of sex; but at least I have a husband who supports me.  Not only that, he cheers me on - he lifts me up when I'm going into one of my depressive "I feel broken and useless" kind of moods.  He never accuses me of not loving him.  He knows the difference between love and sexual desire.  He sees my love in all the hard work I do every day to heal my vagina.

This book was a painful read, but my heart swells with love for my wonderful husband when I reflect on it. 

Some of you should not read this book - she goes into detail about her boyfriend's terrible behavior and it might be traumatic for you if you've had similar experiences.

But it's exciting to know that there is actually a book out there that tells this story with no sugar-coating.  My favorite part about it is that it's real.

Book Review: Completely Overcome Vaginismus

Like many of you I'm sure, I've read tons of books on the subject of vaginal pain and how to treat it. I thought it might be informative to write about these books in case you're in search for some good vaginal reading material. I will start with the latest book I read called Completely Overcome Vaginismus: The Practical Approach to Pain-Free Intercourse.

First I want to say that I really like this book. It is actually a set of two books - Book 1 is the book I read and will be talking about here, and Book 2 is the personal journal and workbook that is made as a companion for Book 1. It uses a 10-step plan and I personally find plans to be much easier when there are well-defined steps. The steps start with being able to properly identify your PC muscle group, learning how to control those muscles, and slowly building to inserting things into the vagina (by things I mean fingers, dilators, tampons, etc). They also include some steps that involve emotions and trying to figure out what events happened in your past that contribute to the involuntary muscle contractions.

Because I've been going to the physical therapist for so long and I see a psychologist every week, I have already done most of these steps, however I still think that this book has some value for me. My personal focus will be on the last few steps, which walk you through the transition from dilator to penis. I had said in an earlier therapy session that even when I am physically ready to have a penis in my vagina, the thought of it is terrifying. How could I go from putting plastic dilators in my vagina and then just one day jumping onto a penis? My therapist assured me that there would be steps in between, but I didn't have a clear idea of what those were until I read this book. There are, in fact, many steps in between dilator and penis and I will be sure to refer to this book when I get to that point.

I am going to especially recommend this book to anyone who, for whatever reason, can't go to a physical therapist. I get most of what this book offers from the PT, but if you don't have insurance or you just can't afford a PT or whatever your reason is, you should know that there are still things that you can be doing to get your body on a healing path. And this book is a much less expensive way of starting physical therapy without actually going to a PT (we're talking $34 for Books 1 & 2 versus thousands).

I will say that the emotional stuff in this book is not enough for me. It might be for you, but I am so screwed up in the head that I need more than a book and some daily affirmations (one thing that the book recommends you do) to get my mind on a randy path. I know that for a lot of you out there, you are ready and horny and can't wait for your vagina to get better so you can get some! For me it's much more complicated and reading 100 books would not give me what I need (hence the reason I see a psychologist every week). But, like I said, I still really like this book and I think it's a valuable read.

Please let me know if you have any questions about this book by replying to this post or emailing me at thegirlwithpaindownthere@gmail.com.