My FEELINGS

My husband mentioned to me recently that my last few posts have been very straightforward and informational, but that I haven't expressed many of the feelings that I felt during the doctors' appointments.  And expressing and understanding my feelings about it all is a crucial part of the emotional part of my healing process.  So here I will talk about my feelings!

I think part of the reason I didn't mention feelings in my Goldstein Visit #3 post was because there was so much information to get across and I really hadn't processed it all emotions-wise.  What I didn't mention about that visit is that when Dr. G was examining me and poking at the urethral spot that hurts, I started crying.  I wasn't crying from the pain and I knew that at the time, but I also wasn't sure why exactly I was crying.  As we've discovered, it often takes me several weeks of reflection to realize why I was crying two weeks ago!  Well I've figured it out.  The tears had been building all day and they finally came out on the examining table - probably at that moment because I was in such a vulnerable position.  But I realize now that I had been worrying all day about the fact that I had a NEW problem.  I knew that the tissues were healing, but I had this new pain in a specific spot and it was disheartening.  Before I even went in there I knew that this urethral spot was a different issue.  When I first saw Dr. G in April he said I'd be having pain-free sex by the end of this year.  I knew then not to get my hopes up too high, but I did hope that he was right.  However, he wasn't.  This doesn't mean that I blame him or don't think he's a good doctor.  He has helped me tremendously and he continues to help me, but it's very discouraging to know that I'm not fixed, that I have another issue to tackle now.  Was this pain always there or did it just start?  I think we might never know.  It may have always been there, but the other issue was so much more painful that the urethral pain took a back seat; or maybe it just came about in the last couple months.  It doesn't really matter; the tears were flowing because I knew that my problems were not solved.  I knew that I wouldn't be having sex by the end of this year.

My vagina continues to burn and that is discouraging.  I don't know how to make it stop and it is also affecting the progress that my husband and I are making together.  I don't want him touching my vagina when it's burning.  And we were getting close to actually using the penis!  It feels like a step back so I'm discouraged.

I just hope that the Valium suppositories will help relax my pelvic floor, and in turn make the burning cease.  If not, I guess I'll have to take another trip to D.C. and possibly to a urologist.

I have not given up, and I never will.  I do still have faith that this issue will be solved.  I do still have faith that I will be able to have sex with my husband and that I will WANT to have sex with my husband.

Recently someone wrote a comment on a very old post that I wrote about vaginismus.  Among many offensive things, he said that I should become a nun, or at least celibate, because sexual dysfunction is God's way of enforcing population control.  Well, at first I was pissed and offended by his remarks; then I was just amused at how ridiculous they were.  I am hesitant to even mention his comments because I don't want to give him the attention that he so obviously craves; nor do I want his negativity to infect my blog.  But I'm going to put a positive spin on it.  I've had a few days to reflect on what this guy said and although his comments were offensive and ludicrous, they have actually given me more hope.  Because it has made me realize that I never once considered giving up and just being celibate.  Not once.  (And of course for completely different reasons have never considered being a nun either).  That has never entered my mind as an option.  I have my days where I feel discouraged and want to quit all the doctors and all the exercises, but not ONCE have I ever considered giving up.  So his comments made me realize that I am strong and that I am a fighter.  I'm not going to give up ever.  I will continue to fight this until it is resolved. 

So, I had a revelation, a realization that I am stronger than I have given myself credit for.  I mentioned the above comments to give context to that revelation, and for no other reason.  I hope to continue using this blog as an honest place for me to vent my feelings as well as a place for women to go to ask questions and answer questions; and a place for women (and husbands, boyfriends, or partners) to feel like they are not alone.

It's been over a month - so I guess there's lot to say

I think I'll break it down into categories; I'm organized and anal like that:

Work:
Well the biggest reason that I haven't written anything in a while is because I started back at work on August 30.  And I've been completely exhausted and had way too much to do since then.  When I come home, I just sit in a post-crazy-kids coma I suppose - nothing else left to give blog wise.  I actually have pretty good students this year,  but some of my classes are so BIG!  It's hard not to have drama when all the students are smashed up next to each other, plus we're talking middle school here so there's ALWAYS drama. I only have one class that really makes me stressed - they are 6th graders and the entire 90 minutes they just want to get into yelling matches and say things about each others' mamas and stuff like that.  My psychiatrist told me to take one of those "in the moment" pills before that class.   I did it once and it did seem to help a bit.  I've been trying new stuff this year at work with my students - as a teacher I try to add new things to make myself a better teacher every year.  But this new stuff is eating up my time.  I literally have no time to eat lunch.  During my planning period I scarf down an energy bar while doing other work.  But I like my new changes so I guess I'll keep on scarfing those energy bars - any suggestions for one-handed eating would be great :).

Anxiety:
My  psych. has  raised my Clonazepam dosage to 1 mg in the morning and 1.5 at night.  It's so hard to say whether it's working or not.  Going back to work increases my stress level significantly, so it's hard to gauge the effectiveness of the drug.  I guess we'll just keep experimenting.

Fatigue:
I am tired.  All the time.  Sometimes I'm so tired that I just lay on the couch and don't even want to get up to pee.  A side-effect of Clonazepam is fatigue, but I didn't feel that way until I started back at work.  Honestly, it's probably a combination of the two, but I am just so tired - and that's affecting my progress with the vagina situation.  It's hard to have sexy time with my husband when I'm exhausted and have absolutely no desire to even put any effort toward kissing and "quiet hands".   My husband thinks that I may have hypothyroidism, and after reading the symptoms on Web MD, I might have to agree.  I have ALL of them minus the yellow skin.  So I've made an appointment with my regular doctor to get checked for that.  I can't tell you how excited I am for the possibility of adding  another thing to my list of problems my body has inflicted on me!  Not to mention all the added doctor's appointments and drugs  I'll have to take - that's awesome too!  I have a student who wants me to tutor him after school - well good luck finding one day where I don't have a doctor's appointment that I have to rush off to.

How I FEEL:
My therapist is always trying to get those 'feelings' words out of me.  How do you FEEL?  It's a really hard question sometimes.  I have a hard time expressing how I feel in words - mostly I express it through tears, but then no one else really knows what the problem is.  Well I feel a lot of things.  I  guess what I feel most of the time is  complete exhaustion, but maybe we can't really count that as a real feeling.  I do feel hopeful that we're going in the right direction. We've gotten to the point where my husband is actually touching my vagina between the lips (we call it the "quiet finger" - next up: the "whispering finger" - it's going to move around!).  These may seem insignificant, but each step is emotional for me.

Sometimes I feel hopeless,  but those are just my sad days, and I don't have them too often.  I had one yesterday though, so it's ripe in my mind.  I had sent out some photos of me and some of my friends at the State Fair.  One picture was of my friend's 9 month old baby.  One of my other friends (a college friend who is probably my best friend in the world - and I call her a college friend, but actually I've known her since birth - but she and I are part of a group of 5 college friends who are still really close even though we all live in different states) made a comment on that photo and said "I think you're next!".  I have told those 4 friends about my situation, and I thought I explained it well enough, but I guess they don't get it.  I'm not next.  I can't have babies if I can't have sex.  Comments like that just hurt me because they remind me of what I can't have.  It's hard enough getting questions like "when are you going to have kids" at work from people who have no idea that I have any problems 'down there', but from my best friends?  I was visiting my friends a few weekends ago, and two of the other ones were making similar  comments to me (one of the 5 has a baby - she got married first, then I got married - so I guess that means I'm next for babies).  I guess they just don't get it.  Do I have to explain it again?  It hurts too much.  I was telling my husband about this last night at dinner in a restaurant and I started crying.  I usually avoid topics that make me cry if I'm in a restaurant, but I guess I didn't realize how much it really hurt me.  The truth is, I do want a baby - I'm almost 28 and I'm starting to get those feelings that women get - those yearnings for a child.  But it's impossible right now.  And it makes me so sad.

My husband's brother just graduated from college.  He mentioned that he might apply to the Peace Corps.  If you've read my blog from the beginning, you know that I applied to the Peace Corps and had to withdraw my application because of my vagina.  If my brother-in-law goes through with it I will truly be happy for him and wish him a wonderful experience, but it also just makes my heart hurt.  It's another reminder of a dream that I cannot fulfill.

Sometimes I feel like life is passing me by - I can't fulfill my most coveted dreams because of my vagina.