What the hell is this?

Catchy title, right?  Well here's what happened.  After an hour and a half session with our therapist, I stood up from the couch and instantly had a sharp pain in my clitoris.  I have read many other blogs that speak about clitoral pain, but I've never myself had it.  What the hell?  So I had this sharp pain for several hours after that.  I took a hot bath which usually helps my vagina pain a bit, and while I was in the bath I felt around and pushed on different spots and found that if I pushed on the bottom part of my clitoris there was a sharp pain.  Also, the friction of walking around irritated it.  When I went to bed it was still hurting,  but I woke up this morning and it's gone.  What is this?!  I am so hoping that it was just an anomaly.  I don't need to add clitoris problems to my already long list.  Does anyone have any insight about this problem?

So far all my pain has been internal - why oh why must there be another component?  PLEASE NO!!

PH and Vaginal Burning

I've mentioned before that I feel like my vagina burns more when I'm dehydrated.  Well, I recently read an article that my PT gave me about PH and here's the very short version of what it said:  When your body is dehydrated, your PH becomes more acidic - drinking water makes your PH more alkaline.  Your vagina prefers to be more alkaline, therefore, drinking water really does help in reducing burning.  I knew it just from personal observation, but it's nice to read that I actually was right and that there's some science to back it up.  So ladies, drink up!  It will make your vagina more alkaline and in turn reduce your burning (hopefully).

PS - It's ironic that I'm writing this post on a day that I forgot my water bottle and I am parched!  I've had to run to the water fountain in between my classes just to get a sip!  Hopefully my vagina won't punish me later.

My FEELINGS

My husband mentioned to me recently that my last few posts have been very straightforward and informational, but that I haven't expressed many of the feelings that I felt during the doctors' appointments.  And expressing and understanding my feelings about it all is a crucial part of the emotional part of my healing process.  So here I will talk about my feelings!

I think part of the reason I didn't mention feelings in my Goldstein Visit #3 post was because there was so much information to get across and I really hadn't processed it all emotions-wise.  What I didn't mention about that visit is that when Dr. G was examining me and poking at the urethral spot that hurts, I started crying.  I wasn't crying from the pain and I knew that at the time, but I also wasn't sure why exactly I was crying.  As we've discovered, it often takes me several weeks of reflection to realize why I was crying two weeks ago!  Well I've figured it out.  The tears had been building all day and they finally came out on the examining table - probably at that moment because I was in such a vulnerable position.  But I realize now that I had been worrying all day about the fact that I had a NEW problem.  I knew that the tissues were healing, but I had this new pain in a specific spot and it was disheartening.  Before I even went in there I knew that this urethral spot was a different issue.  When I first saw Dr. G in April he said I'd be having pain-free sex by the end of this year.  I knew then not to get my hopes up too high, but I did hope that he was right.  However, he wasn't.  This doesn't mean that I blame him or don't think he's a good doctor.  He has helped me tremendously and he continues to help me, but it's very discouraging to know that I'm not fixed, that I have another issue to tackle now.  Was this pain always there or did it just start?  I think we might never know.  It may have always been there, but the other issue was so much more painful that the urethral pain took a back seat; or maybe it just came about in the last couple months.  It doesn't really matter; the tears were flowing because I knew that my problems were not solved.  I knew that I wouldn't be having sex by the end of this year.

My vagina continues to burn and that is discouraging.  I don't know how to make it stop and it is also affecting the progress that my husband and I are making together.  I don't want him touching my vagina when it's burning.  And we were getting close to actually using the penis!  It feels like a step back so I'm discouraged.

I just hope that the Valium suppositories will help relax my pelvic floor, and in turn make the burning cease.  If not, I guess I'll have to take another trip to D.C. and possibly to a urologist.

I have not given up, and I never will.  I do still have faith that this issue will be solved.  I do still have faith that I will be able to have sex with my husband and that I will WANT to have sex with my husband.

Recently someone wrote a comment on a very old post that I wrote about vaginismus.  Among many offensive things, he said that I should become a nun, or at least celibate, because sexual dysfunction is God's way of enforcing population control.  Well, at first I was pissed and offended by his remarks; then I was just amused at how ridiculous they were.  I am hesitant to even mention his comments because I don't want to give him the attention that he so obviously craves; nor do I want his negativity to infect my blog.  But I'm going to put a positive spin on it.  I've had a few days to reflect on what this guy said and although his comments were offensive and ludicrous, they have actually given me more hope.  Because it has made me realize that I never once considered giving up and just being celibate.  Not once.  (And of course for completely different reasons have never considered being a nun either).  That has never entered my mind as an option.  I have my days where I feel discouraged and want to quit all the doctors and all the exercises, but not ONCE have I ever considered giving up.  So his comments made me realize that I am strong and that I am a fighter.  I'm not going to give up ever.  I will continue to fight this until it is resolved. 

So, I had a revelation, a realization that I am stronger than I have given myself credit for.  I mentioned the above comments to give context to that revelation, and for no other reason.  I hope to continue using this blog as an honest place for me to vent my feelings as well as a place for women to go to ask questions and answer questions; and a place for women (and husbands, boyfriends, or partners) to feel like they are not alone.

Using Cloth Pads

Overnight Muffies

It's been several months since I started using cloth pads so I wanted to let you know how it's going.  I like it in general, although there are some frustrations.  The type of pad really makes a difference comfort-wise.  My favorite pads are made by Pleat and they are the Overnight Muffies.  I don't just use them overnight - they are longer and I like them better than the daytime ones (Regular Muffies) because they offer more coverage.  I also have some pads that I only wear at night because they were a good deal, but not very comfortable.  They feel like a diaper, but they do serve a purpose because they are very long and work well for sleeping.  If you are looking for a less expensive night time only pad then I will recommend the Mama Moon Pads by Cre8tiveMama, but like I said, I only use them at night because I find them uncomfortable.

Mama Moon Pads

Right now I have 8 night time pads, 10 Overnight Muffies, and 5 Regular Muffies.  And with the muffies I use a little extender snap that I acquired somehow because they aren't quite wide enough for my underwear.  During a typical period, I have to do laundry about halfway through to have enough pads to last and sometimes I still have to supplement with disposable pads.  I think if I wanted to get through the whole period without using any disposable pads I would probably buy 10 more Overnight Muffies - just to give you an idea of how many you need to get through a period.  I could do more than one load of laundry, but I don't like to waste water, so if I don't have clothes to wash with them, I'm not going to do a load just for pads.

And that brings me to my one issue with these pads.  I don't like stains, and gosh darnit I cannot get the stains out of some of these pads!  I've tried pre-soaking them in oxyclean water, vinegar water, baking soda water, and nothing has worked to get all the stains out.  They aren't horrible, but I wish I could get them out.  Also, it seems like they are getting a bit dingy.  Is it the way I pre-soak or wash them?  Any advice?  I wash them with my clothes on a regular cycle with regular unscented detergent and I lay them on a towel to air dry.  Should I try another method?

Overall I like the cloth pads.  My vagina can breathe more and I'm not being as wasteful.  And they're pretty :)

Test Results Are In

I've had lots of tests in the last month and have neglected to update you on their results.

I mentioned that I was going to see my regular doctor to be tested for hypothyroidism because I have so many of the symptoms.  Well, I have no thyroid issues.  So that's good.  I mean, in one way it would help explain my fatigue, but I suppose I'd rather not have a thyroid issue that has to be treated for the rest of my life.  She also tested me for the Epstein Barr virus that I had when I was younger (due to getting Mono when I was 2) and caused my Chronic Fatigue, and the test showed that the EBV is no longer active in my system.  I'm not sure what this means exactly, because I'm still tired, but I no longer have an active EBV in my body.  Yay?

So why am I still tired?  Good question.  No answer really.  My doctor told me that that might just be my life; that it might be my normal.  Well, I told her that was unacceptable - it's not okay for me to be this tired all the time.  She said the normal stuff - some people need 9 hours of sleep a night (me included) and I try, but it's hard to get that much sleep when I have to wake up at 5:30am.  She also said I need to exercise.  Well, as I've said here before and I said to her, how can I exercise when I'm totally exhausted?  It's a never-ending cycle.  But whatever.  Hopefully the other things I'm doing will help with the fatigue.

My hormone results are back and they are still low.  Dr. G wants me to use a systemic testosterone cream for 3 weeks every day and then 3 times per week until I don't know.  Even though my estrogen is still low, he says I'm out of the menopause low and he wants me to stop the Estradiol for now.  I think he's hoping that my own body will pick up the pace after getting a jump start.  He also prescribed the Diazapam suppositories to help relax my pelvic floor muscles.  I will be getting those today so I'll let you know how they go.  I guess I'll do them anally like he recommended because my vagina is so sensitive - but I'm not looking forward to it!  He can't explain the burning that has returned, but he's hoping that the suppositories will help and I've been trying to do more yoga which seems to help too.  I really think that stretching is key - it does make a difference.

My psychiatrist has lowered my Clonazapam to .5mg in the morning and .5mg at night and added 10mg of Prozac in the morning.  We'll see.  This will supposedly help with the fatigue, but it takes longer to get into the system.  I've been taking the Prozac for about 1.5 weeks and I'm still tired, but he said it could take a month.  It also has some scary side effects, but so far all I've noticed is dry mouth.  If it gives me more energy, I'll take dry mouth.

So the Prozac and testosterone are both supposed to help me in the energy department.  I sure hope so.  I'm so tired.  I want to exercise, but I have no energy.  I'm hoping for the best with these drugs.  We'll see how it goes.