Tuesday, November 9, 2010

My FEELINGS

My husband mentioned to me recently that my last few posts have been very straightforward and informational, but that I haven't expressed many of the feelings that I felt during the doctors' appointments.  And expressing and understanding my feelings about it all is a crucial part of the emotional part of my healing process.  So here I will talk about my feelings!

I think part of the reason I didn't mention feelings in my Goldstein Visit #3 post was because there was so much information to get across and I really hadn't processed it all emotions-wise.  What I didn't mention about that visit is that when Dr. G was examining me and poking at the urethral spot that hurts, I started crying.  I wasn't crying from the pain and I knew that at the time, but I also wasn't sure why exactly I was crying.  As we've discovered, it often takes me several weeks of reflection to realize why I was crying two weeks ago!  Well I've figured it out.  The tears had been building all day and they finally came out on the examining table - probably at that moment because I was in such a vulnerable position.  But I realize now that I had been worrying all day about the fact that I had a NEW problem.  I knew that the tissues were healing, but I had this new pain in a specific spot and it was disheartening.  Before I even went in there I knew that this urethral spot was a different issue.  When I first saw Dr. G in April he said I'd be having pain-free sex by the end of this year.  I knew then not to get my hopes up too high, but I did hope that he was right.  However, he wasn't.  This doesn't mean that I blame him or don't think he's a good doctor.  He has helped me tremendously and he continues to help me, but it's very discouraging to know that I'm not fixed, that I have another issue to tackle now.  Was this pain always there or did it just start?  I think we might never know.  It may have always been there, but the other issue was so much more painful that the urethral pain took a back seat; or maybe it just came about in the last couple months.  It doesn't really matter; the tears were flowing because I knew that my problems were not solved.  I knew that I wouldn't be having sex by the end of this year.

My vagina continues to burn and that is discouraging.  I don't know how to make it stop and it is also affecting the progress that my husband and I are making together.  I don't want him touching my vagina when it's burning.  And we were getting close to actually using the penis!  It feels like a step back so I'm discouraged.

I just hope that the Valium suppositories will help relax my pelvic floor, and in turn make the burning cease.  If not, I guess I'll have to take another trip to D.C. and possibly to a urologist.

I have not given up, and I never will.  I do still have faith that this issue will be solved.  I do still have faith that I will be able to have sex with my husband and that I will WANT to have sex with my husband.

Recently someone wrote a comment on a very old post that I wrote about vaginismus.  Among many offensive things, he said that I should become a nun, or at least celibate, because sexual dysfunction is God's way of enforcing population control.  Well, at first I was pissed and offended by his remarks; then I was just amused at how ridiculous they were.  I am hesitant to even mention his comments because I don't want to give him the attention that he so obviously craves; nor do I want his negativity to infect my blog.  But I'm going to put a positive spin on it.  I've had a few days to reflect on what this guy said and although his comments were offensive and ludicrous, they have actually given me more hope.  Because it has made me realize that I never once considered giving up and just being celibate.  Not once.  (And of course for completely different reasons have never considered being a nun either).  That has never entered my mind as an option.  I have my days where I feel discouraged and want to quit all the doctors and all the exercises, but not ONCE have I ever considered giving up.  So his comments made me realize that I am strong and that I am a fighter.  I'm not going to give up ever.  I will continue to fight this until it is resolved. 

So, I had a revelation, a realization that I am stronger than I have given myself credit for.  I mentioned the above comments to give context to that revelation, and for no other reason.  I hope to continue using this blog as an honest place for me to vent my feelings as well as a place for women to go to ask questions and answer questions; and a place for women (and husbands, boyfriends, or partners) to feel like they are not alone.

9 comments:

Jaene said...

I have spent a lot of time crying in my car after doctor's appointments, so I understand:( Does your urethral pain feel somewhat like a bladder infection?I am so sorry that you are feeling discouraged:( Have you tried the suppositories yet?

I am so happy that you have recognized your strength! Your strength and determination is very present throughout your blog. Your honesty and openness is very much appreciated!

K said...

This same troll left (probably) the same comment copies word for word on my blog. Zir IP address traces to some Asian Internet service. My stats tell me someone was specifically looking for sites about vaginismus the same day the comment arrived. Most likely it's just some schmuck trolling as many vaginismus sites as possible in hopes that just one comment will go through.

In fact, copy and paste any one segment of the comment into google. What do you see? It is exactly as I described.

I do not know the motivation for such an attack. I would advise against clicking on any links from this troll though. You never know what's malicious these days.

So do not feel bad! Troll cares not for your individual reaction! It's nothing personal against you at all.

Plus there are like 18 different layers of "Wrong" going on in that comment. It's almost funny. Almost.

the girl with pain "down there" said...

Don't worry - I didn't take it personally. It was all so outlandish that it just made me laugh.

I have not tried the suppositories yet. There was a problem at the pharmacy so I should be getting them soon.

Cora Story said...

Those tears show up at the most interesting times now don't they. Let em out, down there girl. You are a strong woman and thanks for your sharing.

Claire said...

I so appreciate your straightforward, honest approach, and read your blog for information and inspiration. I think I've mentioned that Dr. G has reduced my pain in the vestibule significantly, but I have urethra pain/sensitivity as well. I've been surprised to realize that I don't feel this pain during intercourse. It sometimes feels tender after intercourse, but I'm completely pain-free during. I mention this only because you may be closer to painless intercourse than you realize. Thanks for your insight and thoughtful posts. Claire

the girl with pain "down there" said...

Thanks for the info Claire. That's encouraging!

Anonymous said...

All I can say is, I've felt everyone of the feelings you've felt. ALL OF THEM. I only wish I could meet a fellow vulvodynia sufferer in person because I just feel so much relief when reading blogs like yours. As for that uncalled for comment.... remember you are stronger than most people for working through this and having so much hope. I try to tell myself that when all i want to do is give up and cry. I know that having gone through this, there is nothing else life can throw my way that I won't be able to deal with. Honestly, I would like to meet that person and kick them, but I'll maintain my temper.

I wanted to ask you- I know Dr. Goldstein doesn't take insurance, but were you able to get any reimbursement from your insurance company? Did you submit a claim? I am considering seeing him because all the doctors i am seeing are just telling me i need pain meds and I am so frustrated they cant think of something that addresses the cause of the problem more. ugh.

Anonymous said...

Oh sorry, more questions for you! Also, how long did it take after you submitted all your paper work to get an appointment with Dr. G? A few months? Half a year? Just so I can plan future treatments. Did you fly to DC or NYC?

Also, I wanted to ask you- you mentioned that when you first saw Dr. G he told you he could see signs of atrophy. Did you yourself notice any change in skin texture/appearance? I just dont know if this could apply to me because every Vulvodynia specialist i see says that everything looks COMPLETELY normal. So does this mean no atrophy? Or are they just thinking about it differently than dr. g does?

This blog is so great. You're helping a lot people by writing it, and remember that.

the girl with pain "down there" said...

I got the appointment pretty quickly - I think I could have gotten one in a couple weeks after calling, but I chose to wait about a month so that I could go during my Spring Break so I wouldn't have to take work off. As for insurance, my insurance has out of network coverage so they do reimburse SOME, but it takes FOREVER.

As for the atrophy, I had no idea until I saw Dr. G. All the gynecologists I'd ever seen before told me that everything looked normal. I think they just aren't trained to look for those signs or something.

For me, visually my vagina has always looked the same, but Dr. G could tell just by looking that the atrophy is getting better from using Estradiol. I can tell by how my vagina feels - not by touching it but how it feels itself.

Hope that helps.