My husband and I have been making good progress with penetration. We try to do it at least 4 times per week, but often more. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it burns, and sometimes it's no problem. Now, I haven't felt anything that's actually pleasurable; it still just feels like there's a foreign object inside my vagina, but I have hope that the pleasure will come eventually.
Here is our updated routine:
Step One: take Valium 30 minutes or more before penetration (to relax both mind and muscles).
Step Two: heat pelvic area for at least 15 minutes before (using hot bath or heating pad).
Step Three: apply lidocaine to sensitive spots inside vagina.
Step Four: Husband wears glove, covers finger in coconut oil and does some pelvic clock stretching with his finger. He holds down on muscles that are sensitive and we try to loosen up the muscles.
Step Five: I put in my biggest dildo for a few minutes just to prepare my vagina for the penis (also covered in coconut oil).
Step Six: Penis in vagina! More oil of course. We have found two positions that usually work, although it's never consistent on which one feels better or worse than the other. Right now we're sticking to me on top either facing him or facing away from him. Facing him there is more of a chance of my sensitive G-spot area to be unpleasantly rubbed, but there's less of a chance that it will make my PC muscles feel too stretchy. The opposite is true for me on top facing away from him. In this position there is no irritation on the G-spot area, but if I'm having a tight muscle day it can be painful. So we usually do both and pick the best one. We stay this way for about 10 minutes either staying still while I do kegels or we do slow in-and-out that I control.
As you can see, it's still all very technical, but I guess it has to be that way for now. I'm still trying to retrain my body and my mind to believe that sex won't hurt, and hopefully that sex is actually pleasurable.