Thursday, May 26, 2011

The Penis Process

My husband and I have inserted the penis three times so far and I thought it might be helpful to some if I detailed the process that we go through to make sure it's as successful as possible.  We've had a slightly different process each time, but I'll lay out the one I feel has been the most effective.

At least an hour before we start I take Valium - this is to calm my mind and help me with the major anticipatory anxiety that I feel about the penis.

I prepare the Penis Insertion Station (I've never really called it that) by laying several towels down on the bed, as well as some hand towels, lubrication, and a large dilator/dildo.  The reason for all the towels is that we are using Coconut Oil as our lubricant, by recommendation of my PT, and man is it messy!  Oil does not come out in the wash and we don't want to stain our sheets.

A note about the Coconut Oil: I was telling my PT that when I tried keeping the dilator in for long periods of time, it felt like my body was absorbing all the lubricant and then when I pulled the dilator out my vagina was dry and it felt like the dilator was taking some of my skin with it (painful!).  So she suggested that using an oil-based lubricant would be better because water-based lubricants will be absorbed by your body at a much faster rate.  She suggests Coconut Oil specifically because she says it's all natural and inherently antibacterial.  It also smells good, but you can get an unscented kind if you don't like the smell.  She also said that using Olive Oil is great too (Coconut Oil is a bit expensive).

Back to the process: I take a warm bath for about 30 minutes and just lay there and read my book and really try to relax all my muscles.

When I get out of the bath it's time for stretching and penis entry.  So first I lay down on the towels that are on the bed and my husband uses his finger (lubricated) to go around the pelvic clock and try to work out any tension that I feel in any of my muscles.  My PT taught him how to move my legs in different ways so that the muscle is in the best position for relaxation whenever we hit a sensitive spot.

After we've worked on the muscles individually with his finger I will put the largest dilator or my largest vibrating dildo in for a few minutes, just to prepare my vagina for the penis.  This also involves a healthy lathering of coconut oil.

After a few minutes I take out the dilator, do some contract/releases, and we insert the penis.  We have tried a number of different positions in an effort to minimize hitting a certain spot that is painful for me (top of pelvic clock kind of near urethra).  We've tried me on top, spooning on our sides with him behind me, doggy style (why be PC about it - we all know what doggy style is), and what my PT calls the fork position, which is really hard to describe.  The fork is him laying on his side facing me while I lay on my back perpendicular to him with my legs draped over his pelvic area.  Honestly, it's hard to tell which position is best at this point.  It all feels very stretchy.  I can definitely tell that some are less painful on that spot than others, but it's not as much about the position as it is about how I position myself in the position (if that makes sense).

We stay still for several minutes and then we'll do a slow moving in and out.  Movement is what causes me the most pain, so when I say slow I mean SLOW movement.  We figured out yesterday that if we do a full in and out motion (meaning the penis goes all the way in and almost all the way out) the penis rubs across that sensitive spot of mine, and that if we don't pull the penis out quite as far it helps a lot.  As for movement, the easiest position is me on top because I have total control.

I have found myself very sore after these encounters.  I have two different kinds of pain: The first pain is more of a stretching type pain.  My husband penis is large so it feels very stretchy when it's in my vagina.  The second pain is the one spot inside that does not like to be touched.  I'm going to try and see if Lidocaine can help with the spot - it has never helped in the past, but maybe that's because my problems were too huge and too numerous to be fixed by Lidocaine.  But now that I can pinpoint a specific area of pain, perhaps I can put Lidocaine there and it might help.  As for the stretchy pain, I'm hoping that the more we do it, the less it will hurt, just like with dilating.  I'm also going to try putting in a Vitamin E suppository after these episodes to try and soothe my sore vagina.

Most importantly we have to make sure that we do this frequently to retrain my vagina (and my head) and I have to not get discouraged when I feel sore.  It's part of the process and I have hope that it will get better.

My biggest fear is still that my libido will never come back.  This post has been very technical and that's what everything is right now: technical.  I understand that at this point I cannot expect to feel desire or pleasure when it still hurts and feels sore, but I am terrified that once the pain goes away I still won't actually want to have sex.  I'm trying not to let that fear take over me.  I'm trying to focus on the great strides that we have made.  I am very encouraged by our progress, but that fear is there, so I'm acknowledging it.


vfittan said...

Thanks for writing so much in detail. It helps a lot to know how others do things. I do the same training as you, only mine is less complicated and I mostly do it myself. But the principles are the same!

I wanted to comment on your thoughts about your libido. I did an experiment a while back, wondering if masturbation (that word sounds ugly, but no other comes to mind now!) could help my libido. I decided to do it a couple of times a week, whenever my SO wasn't at home and I felt relaxed enough to do it.

I didn't really have any expectations, but I must say it helped a lot! Before I got vestibulitis, I took many initatives sexually - but basically stopped after the pain came. The masturbation got me a bit back to what I used to be, which I'm really glad for! Now I'm a bit more relaxed towards sex after so many years of fear and tension.

Lea said...

This has been really encouraging. Our stories sound so similar it's scary.

This may be tmi, but do you ever find that your husband twitches when you go so slow? That is a huge problem for me. When we are able to move at a "normal" slow pace (which we haven't been able to do in about 10 months), he's fine. But with this super slowed down attempts at penetration, his penis starts to twitch. Which obviously hurts because it's stretching in ways that are not good. So we end up stopping because I can't handle the new pain that the twitching has caused.

We've tried getting him off first, hoping the lack of need for orgasm would help, but it hasn't made much difference.

the girl with pain "down there" said...

I can't say that my husband does much twitching. He can flex is penis, which might feel a bit like twitching, but he can control that so I'm not exactly sure what you're describing.

I can see how that would cause pain and discomfort. I wish I had some advice. :(

Lea said...

It's completely involuntary twitching. He says my vagina is like a super tight vice grip (lovely). If he's moving he doesn't twitch but as soon as he stops he does. It's minor twitching, but because everything is so damn tight for me it feels a lot worse. Maybe he needs to relax? Who knows. Thanks for responding though and I'm glad to hear in your latest post that things are going well!

Anonymous said...

Hi there,

I've some similar issues. we are married for 7 months and till now no penetration :(

I read in some blog and tried muscle exercise and now i'm able to insert my two fingers comfortably and 3 with little pain. But still he is not able to insert...

how safe is taking Valium without a doc's prescription?

Suggest me :( i dont want my husband to feel irritated with me. i want our love life to exist happily...

Ally said...

Oh my goodness, words cannot express how grateful I am that I found your blog. I've had vaginismus for about a year now and have recently begun work with dilators. It's good to read these technical posts because not only can I relate to it but it gives me new ideas as well as being inspirational :)

Becca said...

I completely second what Ally wrote. haha, I know I'm just running around commenting on all your blogs but it just feels SO GOOD TO TALK ABOUT IT! ;) Suffering in silence is the hardest thing about dealing with all of this for me. I have some close friends and my therapist, but still, no one quite understands what an emotional toll this has on a person except someone who has been there. Your progress is SO encouraging to me!