Monday, February 1, 2010

It started with a yeast infection.

Well, actually, it would be inaccurate to say a yeast infection. It was more like a hundred yeast infections or one giant unending yeast infection that lasted for over two years. I'm still not sure which.

When I was in college I decided to start having sex with my boyfriend of three years. At first, it was good, and then I got a yeast infection. How was I to know that that yeast infection would still be hurting me 8 years later? We went to different colleges in different states, so I guess I partly didn't realize how serious it was because we hardly ever saw each other anyway. But if I'm being honest, when we were together, I didn't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel rejected, so I continued to have sex with him even though it was very uncomfortable and sometimes painful. We had a long distance relationship for 5 years so I guess I thought I could deal with the discomfort since it happened so infrequently. Little did I know that I was setting myself up for years of pain and sadness later.

After I finished college, I moved in with my boyfriend. And then it became a game of what kind of excuses can I come up with to avoid having sex? It was awful. He felt rejected and confused and I felt like I was broken. At this point it was not just about sex being painful and uncomfortable, now I honestly did not want it at all. I was repulsed by it and had absolutely no sexual desire.

And then we got married. I should point out that my now husband is the most wonderful and supportive person I could ever hope for. Through all of this he has never let me down and has never purposely made me feel guilty for not being able to give him what a wife should be able to give her husband. I don't need him to make me feel guilty, I feel guilty enough on my own. I've been married for two years, I'm in my twenties, and I have absolutely no desire to have sex with my wonderful, handsome husband.

I hope that this blog will help other women out there know that they are not alone. This isn't something that people talk about much and sometimes we even feel like we have to hide it. My husband gets very frustrated with the shame of it all. He says that there's nothing to be ashamed of and it's just like having any other physical problem. Intellectually I agree, but it's still hard to talk about. I am completely heartbroken and I break down crying every time I have to talk about it.

Currently I am seeing a vaginal physical therapist (who knew they existed?), a gynecologist, and a psychologist. I'm also planning on going to see a vaginal pain specialist soon, so I'll let you know what I learn when the time comes. My husband and I go together to the psychologist because she thinks that my non-existent sex drive is an us problem, not a me problem. I'm not sure if I believe that, but I hope it's true. It would be nice for this problem to not be completely about me. My next posts will update you on what I do at the physical therapist and at the psychologist. Hopefully you'll get some helpful information, or at the very least, a virtual shoulder to cry on.


Anonymous said...

"I don't need him to make me feel guilty, I feel guilty enough on my own. I've been married for two years, I'm in my twenties, and I have absolutely no desire to have sex with my wonderful, handsome husband."

omg that's exactly how i feel AND my stats. we're going to get through this.

the girl with pain "down there" said...

I'm so glad this blog can help in some small way, and it's nice for me to know that I'm not alone either. I haven't read many blogs that deal with both the inability to have sex AND having no desire as well. It makes it extra hard.

Anonymous said...

This is almost exactly what has happened to me, right down to not wanting to hurt a boyfriend's feelings and enduring pain to try to please him.

At least we are in it together.