Along my journey of healing my body and mind, I've found out that I just don't know how to relax. At all. Yeah I can sit in front of the TV for hours so I thought, hey, not only am I relaxed, but I'm often quite lazy. But now I realize that I was never really relaxed sitting on that couch; not completely.
There are two types of relaxation - mental and physical. And frankly, I suck at both. I've been working really hard lately to learn how to relax (and believe me, I'm not lost on the frustrating oxymoron in that statement).
I honestly think that one of the major things in the way of me just making a full recovery and kicking this problem's ass is that I can't relax. My mind is buzzing all the time with to do lists, worries, etc. And my body is always clenched.
I've also been doing (or trying to do) yoga more often lately. My PT is a big proponent of yoga because stretching is essential to healing those pelvic floor muscles. The reason I say "trying" to do yoga is that I am the most inflexible person you will ever meet. If I tried to touch my toes, I'd get to about halfway down my shin, and that's on a good day. And let me tell you, when we go into downward dog and the yoga instructor says that this should be a relaxing and recuperative pose, I get quite irked because it is one of the hardest things in yoga for me to do. But I'm trying. I can't do regular yoga, it's too hard - I'm just not bendy enough. But the YMCA does offer one Gentle Yoga class so I go to that every week (I'm the only person there under the age of 60). I've ordered some gentle yoga DVDs to supplement and they're okay. I guess they'll do. I prefer doing it "live". I also ordered a DVD that is called pelvic floor yoga so I'm looking forward to what that might have in store for me. But again, with yoga, my mind is everywhere. You're supposed to be focused on your breathing, in some magical yogic place, but most of the time my mind is jumping and spinning and doing things that my inflexible body could only dream of. There was one time in yoga class - we were in savasana and then 5 minutes later I heard the instructor's voice. I had actually left my mind during those 5 minutes! I don't know where I went, but let me tell you, when I "awoke" it was incredible. I really did feel so relaxed and at peace. I've been trying to get back to that place ever since. And maybe that's the problem. I try so hard to relax that it's impossible.
I'm also taking anti-anxiety meds. I so hope that these will help me relax. That is what they're for, right? We're still in the dosage faze, trying to get me to the right dosage that makes me relaxed but doesn't put me to sleep. I think we're getting closer, but my mind still runs a million miles an hour most of the time. I'm looking forward to having nothing on my mind. Just for a few minutes here and there. Is that possible?